December 31, 2008

The Future Is Now

If you're like me, 2008 didn't turn out quite like you'd hoped. Serums refused to work, genetic splicings didn't take, attack gorillas rebelled. But you're not alone; 2008 didn't turn out like a lot of people predicted. Namely the people on this handy list. Enjoy!

December 22, 2008

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 5!

My fitfully updated web series continues with a treatise on child abuse that'll leave you depressed in the funniest way imaginable!

Note: If you're only hearing the audio over a black screen, try refreshing the page. I have no idea why that's happening, but so far refreshing is the only thing that seems to fix it. Sorry.

December 15, 2008

Like Our Links Page, But Wordier

Look, I know how it is. You love the site, you love the sketches, but occasionally, you need more. After watching The Pimp for the ninth time that week, you yearn for something new. Something different. Well, we love you, TAM! audience, and when you love something you set it free. So go, freely explore your laughter with the other great sketch troupes out there. Just...leave me a Digg on your way out, won't you? For old time's sake? Thanks, kid.

*playful slap on the ass to hide the tears*

December 10, 2008

New Shirts For Sale!

Just put four new designs up in the Muskets! Shoppe! You can rush to purchase them here, or, if you're slightly more discerning, scroll downwise to view large versions of the designs. They're based on this sketch, this one, this one, and this other one, respectively.

December 8, 2008

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 4!

Finally got that runtime down to my target of five minutes. Unfortunately, the mystical process by which that was done had the unfortunate side effect of numbering the entries incorrectly. So enjoy this humorous list of 5 (or 4) items!

December 4, 2008

Mission: Wikipedia

There's a certain point in a sketch troupe's life when things start to change. No longer is it stumbling through its awkward adolescence, making forced fart jokes and haltingly inviting the other troupes to the Sadie Hawkins dance. It has matured, and now makes classy, artful fart jokes for all of its high society pals.

My friends, we approach such a milestone. In fact, according to 2007 Michael and Abe, the reaching of 3,000 subscribers to our Youtube channel officially makes us "big beans." But still, something is missing. For there are certain important steps that must take place before our comedic testes can truly be considered to have descended.

And the step before us today is this:

We need a Wikipedia entry.

We had one in the past. Oh, it was glorious, filled with unreliable citations and glittering typos as far as the mouse could scroll (which was about a page and a half, mostly white space). But we were young and foolish; our star rose too quickly, and was burned by the sun, creating some kind of double star that then got taken off of Wikipedia.

The reason for our downfall? Not enough citations. Apparently, if no one mentions you, you don't exist.

Well, we've been kicking out the jams for over a year now, and people are talking:

We've been written up at Tilzy TV, The San Diego Union-Tribune, and the Cal Poly Mustang.

We've been interviewed on Veoh and featured on G4.

We placed in the Youtube Sketchies 2 Competition, in the Filmclick Online Film Festival, and are recognized as an official sketch troupe by College Humor and Youtube.

We've been Dugg, blogged, McSweeny'd and Yankee Pot Roasted.

The point is, if awesome troupes like Tremendosaur and Barats and Bereta (both of whom we love oodles) warrant not only a Wikipedia entry, but official inclusion on Wikipedia's list of sketch comedy troops, do not we merit the same deference?

As writing a Wikipedia article about myself is JUST out of my vanity range, I've decided to turn to our beloved fans for help (apparently begging for others to write a Wikipedia article about me is well within said vanity range).

So who will step up to the challenge? What individual (or group of collaborative individuals, as per Wikipedia's basic function) will pluck our comedic flower and usher us into adulthood?

I've provided all the citation information you need to make it stick, and I'm available to answer any questions you might have about the troupe or Abe's penis size (I'll just save us both some time right now and say "nub.") Who's got the gumption? Who's got the chutzpah? Who's got a few hours to kill?

We await the lusty touch of your typing hands.

December 1, 2008

The 10 Best Comebacks Ever

If you like my latest Cracked article, I suggest (Digging it, then) looking up some Hitchcock quotes on your own time. Man was a prick, in the best possible way.

November 20, 2008

G4 Features Muskets!

G4 gave us a whole segment on Attack of the Show tonight! In case you didn't happen to watch that particular program (inexcusable), here it is right now. Also, there's a delicious chocolate cake waiting for you in the oven. How's THAT for instant gratification?!

And, here's the longer, but lower quality version of that same segment, to be used in case the G4 site ever takes down the above video. That's right: we care so much about this minor achievement we've installed redundancy systems to make sure it will never be forgotten.

November 19, 2008

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 3!

Well, episode 3 doesn't quite have the raw technical polish of episode 2, but I think this week's special co-host makes up for that. And Abe started taking my phone calls again, so episode 4 will probably look/sound significantly better. Turn up your speakers, squint, and enjoy. Oh, and Digg. And then watch the extended cut with more Gladstone here.

November 7, 2008

7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming

The election is finally over, and that means it's back to writing about video games and movies for me. Yay! I'm returning to form with a tirade against the people that make online gaming insufferable. Check it. Digg it. Live it. Natch.

November 6, 2008

If McCain's Concession Speech Were As Bitter As The Campaign

Ever notice how the moment one candidate beats the other, they're suddenly best friends? What happened to two weeks ago, when you were calling each other delusional, psychotic geezers who palled around with terrorists? It’s either rampant hypocrisy, or else all those attack ads were nothing but cheap political maneuvers (gasp!).

In order to protect the innocence of the American public, I’ve taken it upon myself to make McCain’s concession speech as vitriolic and hate-filled as the months leading up to it were. Do us both a favor, and watch this video over and over until it has supplanted all memories of the actual speech.

October 29, 2008

An Attack Ad...I Think?

I made this confusing mishmash as a response to Obama's attack ad attacking McCain for his attack ads. Hope you like it! If you do, you can toss it a Digg here.

October 28, 2008

S.W.A.I.M. Episode 2!

I think this one came out a lot better than the first. Hopefully this trend will continue indefinitely until S.W.A.I.M. is the highest rated show in the history of the world. Anything less, and I will be severely disappointed both in myself and you personally.

Check the bigger version here. Digg here.

October 22, 2008

Yo Mama, Obama

As promised, I've set aside my own political leanings (Whig) to rip into Obama's craziest supporters this week. You can check the list here, or, if you just trust me that it's awesome, Digg it here.

October 16, 2008

OJ's Party Planner Has Some Concerns

So OJ got convicted of kidnapping and burglary, and faces life in prison. He also planned an acquittal party because he was so sure he would get away with it. I am pleased by the irony of this. So pleased I made a video for your watching pleasure.

October 15, 2008

McCain? More Like McCane! He's OLD!!!

I've gone political! Don't worry; it's only for the brief interval of time while my interest flares and my attention stops drifting like a honeybee from flower to timely flower. Wow, that sentence kind of got away from me. Anyway, check out this thing I wrote about 5 crazy people supporting McCain!

And before you start faxing me hate mail (I don't even know why I keep that fax around), rest assured I'll be doing a similar piece on Obama's nutzo supporters in about a week and a half here. I'll keep you posted.

October 14, 2008

S.W.A.I.M. Episode 1!

Take Muskets! Then take away all of the camera work, good music, and competent editing (ie, Abe) and you get...S.W.A.I.M., the new show I'm doing however often I feel like it for Cracked!

Episode 1 just went up despite being too long and having green screen bleed, and it looks a lot like this (to view a bigger version, click here):


October 5, 2008

Sonnets, Y'all

Though none of us canst 'scape that black-draped cart
That slowly draws us towards our dying bed,
Alack, poor Will, of timeless skill and art
Has kept his wits but lost his very head!

Upon his severed baldpate dully gleams,
Reflected twixt his rooted tufts of hair,
A scene of child-like monsters held by seams;
Felt hands that grasp, glass eyes to weep and stare.

Of these young babes, who 'mongst us could have thought
That they wouldst have the hearts to maim and kill?
While Nanny worked to wash out some damned spot,
These tiny tyrants, creeping, had their Will!

Animal, thy daisy-petaled bonnet,
Hides not thy sin, nor stifles it this sonnet.

October 3, 2008

Watch Swaim Watch the Debates!

I probably should have brought this up before, but over at me and some other bloggers watched the VP debates last night and just sort of did our thing for a live Internet audience. The response was pretty positive (you can check out the full transcript here, or an edited version here), so we're going to do it again for the next Presidential Debates on Wednesday, October 15th, LIVE!

I'll add a link to the page HERE once it's up, but just keep checking here or at for details!

October 1, 2008

How To Get Free Money

If you're like me, then you'd like some free money! Well, all you have to do is follow my example and turn current troubling financial events into a positive. Also you have to have parents. Sorry orphans; you lose again. Check it! Digg it!

September 25, 2008

The (Revised) 7 Ages of Man

One of my favorite articles in a while just finished tanking at Cracked, so I thought I'd give it a second life here on the Muskets! blog. If you've got a taste for the Elizabethan and twenty minutes to kill, then it appears the stars are in your favor, young coxswain.

September 24, 2008

TAM! Is College Humor Endorsed!

We've been uploading our videos to CH for a while now, and they decided to include us in the launch of snazzy new personalized pages for their 25 favorite sketch troupes! They didn't say what number we were, but I'm assuming 11. It just feels right.

In the end, this can only mean more free Busted Tees in the future, folks. Get in on the ground floor now and check out the new digs!

September 14, 2008

Contests Won and Seconded

First, thanks to all who voted for Internet Party in the Filmclick Virtual Film Festival. Your filmclicking filmed us right into second place, a priceless honor the likes of which Michael Phelps would throw down in disgust. But we'll take it. Thanks!

As to contests newer and greater, we've whipped up a little something for the L'Oreal Paris ad competition, and we'd be oh so tickled if you'd vote it up in the rankings. There's a vaguely specified amount of money at stake (5k-60k, depending on many factors, most of which we hope lean towards the 60k end of the spectrum), and your vote can help put us in the running.

Embedded below, for you non-voting pantywaists.

September 11, 2008

Restuarants For People With No Appetite

My latest Cracked article has all the appeal of a twisted car wreck on the side of the freeway. Go! Gape at the horrors mankind has wrought! Honestly, none of them are really species-damning till the end, so make sure you settle in for a full read. And...Digg?

August 31, 2008

Clear and Present Danger

In today's climate of political frenzy and media fear mongering, it can be far too easy to fall prey to irrational worries and the suffocating grip of paranoia. And it’s that healthy mistrust that keeps terrorists from raping your children in their beds and sending your flaming pets leaping into your arms like frenzied Kamikaze pilots. And they’d do it too.

The animals, I mean. Learn about the insidious animal threat over at Cracked via my new article, and then Digg it, for added safety.

August 30, 2008

Muskets! Interview For The Mustang Daily!

Mike's Brother David, AKA "Chops" AKA "David Choplinski," got us hooked up with a sweet interview for the Mustang Daily, Cal Poly's school paper. That's us in the Arts section, prettying up the place. Give it a read, and learn general things about the troupe that you probably already knew!

August 26, 2008

We Didn't Not Fail To Win!

Great. Thanks a whole lot, you jerks. Due to your rabid anti-votes, we lost the Youtube Oreo Moments Contest by a landslide. I guess you guys must really hate us. You know what? Nuts to this. We're stopping the videos. No more videos. The site's kaput. I hope you're happy.


I'm sorry. I--I don't know what I'm saying. We could never stay mad at you. Besides, it's perfectly understandable. We got beat, fair and square. The better video won, and that's all there is to it.

So...we cool? I mean, we're still going to the Radiohead show on Wednesday, right? 'Cause I totally bought you one of those ass cushions, on account of I know how sore your ass gets. Right baby?


August 20, 2008


I finally gave in to my natural tendencies and wrote an entire Cracked article about feces. Thought I'd link you, in case you wanted to read it at lunchtime. And if you, over time, come to appreciate the historical and educational merit of such a piece, I might trouble you for a Digg as well, Suh.

August 18, 2008

And That Concludes The Lesson For The Day

For the purposes of this announcement, please imagine that when I say "College Professor," I mean an elder sage, clad in a knit sweater with leather elbow patches and contemplatively puffing on a fine oaken pipe at regular intervals.

So guess what? College Professor Abe Gruber, of the illustrious College and Surf Camp Hawai'i Pacific University, is going to be using Internet Party as part of a lecture on how college students utilize the Internet!

We tried to get him to use one of our many videos of us landing crotch first on the rim of our trampoline, as we felt these more accurately represented the creative Internet climate, but he politely declined after a particularly deliberate puff on his fine oaken pipe.

We started this site last year hoping to make our friends laugh, and now we're being taught to classes at HPU and, presumably, Harvard. Pretty cool.

August 7, 2008

I Hope You're Sitting In A Kiddie Pool

Because otherwise your loved ones are going to have some clean-up to do after my latest article blows your mind halfway across the room. Behold, quantum physics in all of its fanciful, incomprehensible glory. Don't forget to drop me a Digg!

August 4, 2008

Muskets Interview on Veoh!

Check it out! While vanity googling, Abe stumbled upon an interview we did for Veoh a couple months ago. As you can tell from the outfits, we filmed it while shooting Star Trek Rap, and at the time there was much confusion about whether they would air it or not. In the end, it seems they aired the interview after all, if not the vid. So feel free to check out an already-outdated interview with us here (we're at around 15:40).

July 30, 2008

Comic Con: The Musketscal!

That's a Muskets Musical. Seems pretty straightforward to me. Anyway, here's how WE spent the Con.

Out-nerd THAT!

July 29, 2008

Vote For Internet Party in the Filmclick Film Festival!

So we entered "Internet Party" in an online film festival at Film Click about five moons ago, and lo and behold, that festival has just entered the final stage of its development: The Vote.

Vote for IP in the comedy category between now and August 12 and you could help us win a thousand bucks! Just go to this page and check the box by our vid.

The catch: you have to register an account to vote. The un-catch: you can vote once a day, without creating a new account each day!

Sounds like a winning deal to me.

July 15, 2008

I Write Other Stuff! Please Read It!

I'll warn you right up front, aside from my use of the phrase "crab teats" in the first sentence, this post isn't that funny.

Why? Because long ago, in the misty years known as 1998-2006, I actually had time to write stuff other than sketches and comedy articles. Yes, believe it or not, this clown's got some tears to shed. And while the success of Muskets (thank you very much) has resulted in me not writing any straight fiction for about six months now, I do hope to get back to it someday.

In the meantime, and after collecting my fill of rejection letters from friendly magazine publishers, I've decided to put all my fiction stuff online at WeBook.

WeBook's the kind of place where you only get feedback if you give someone else feedback, and then it's usually just a copy and paste of whatever you wrote them. So, as ever, I turn to you, my trusted Musketeers.

Go. Peruse. There's a healthy dose of Sci-Fi in there, a bunch of shitty poetry, and even some straight fiction. Let me know what's up. Light up my WeBook profile. I want to see what you guys think, and hopefully when I go back to that stuff in a few months, I'll have had enough people shit on it that I'll have some ideas about revision.

Enjoy the read! Or don't. But either way, let me know.

July 8, 2008

Two Wall-E Dissidents

Want to be infuriated? Read this review of Wall-E. Now that you're thoroughly disgusted, may I offer you some soothing comedic balm? There there. Drown your sorrows in a Digg, my friend, and all will be right again.

And if you haven't seen Wall-E yet, you're dead to us.

July 2, 2008

My Final Yankee Pot Roast Article

For a number of perplexing and dramatic reasons, I'm not going to be doing too much comedy writing on the net outside of the Cracked Blog and Muskets projects. So, you should probably print out this, my final and greatest Yankee Pot Roast article, about my harrowing trip to the Congolese jungle, and frame it somewhere prominent in the house.

On your wife, perhaps.

June 25, 2008

George Carlin.

Man, Carlin and Vonnegut in one year. It seems my idols are dropping like flies. Well, just a good reminder to go back and examine their life's works yet again. In the meantime, here's a little thing I did in honor of George. Hope you like it.

You can see the text on the Cracked Blog, in case my mic is too shitty for you.

June 24, 2008

Adam West vs. Batman

It's the ultimate psychological showdown between a man and the fictional character that has dominated his life. Watch as Mayor Adam West denounces his own alter-ego, all for your twisted amusement. Read! And would it make you feel better if I asked you to BatDigg it?

June 18, 2008

Help Muskets Sell Out!

Many of you will probably be shocked and enraged to learn that the Muskets! do NOT in fact receive subsidies from the government for their wonderful work. Thanks, George. So, like so many before us, we've been forced to sell ad space on our bodies to the highest bidder. But, while we were doing that, we also entered a contest for Oreo cookies that might get us featured on the Youtube Home Page!

We've already made it to the Finals, now all YOU have to do is vote for our video by visiting the Oreo Youtube channel, finding our video in the randomizer, and giving us a thumbs up! And hey, while you're on your way, give a thumbs down to the stinkers (read: every video that doesn't feature us). You can do it once a day per computer, so it's literally exactly the same deal as the Sketchies contest from a while back. Except this time it's Oreos; delicious Oreos. Yum.

We'll be nice and embed the video here too in case you just want to watch it and not vote to help us win the chance at reaching a whole new subscriber base. But...why wouldn't you?

June 17, 2008

They Still Make Archie Comics?

Remember that comic cross-over "Archie Meets the Punisher?" Remember how stupid it was? This is stupid too! To register your agreement, Digg here.

Apologies to Batton Lash. Best name ever.

June 5, 2008

The Ultimate Bong Rip

From the end of Forbidden Kingdom. As it turns out, the whole thing was an anti-drug treatise. Who knew?

June 3, 2008

Space Tunes Ready For Some Serious Beaming (read: Downloading)

Yeah, now you'll probably say that you won't need this. That it's extra weight on your already porn/tax form-ridden hard drive.

But just you wait, you'll be sitting at work or in class and the soothing sound of Captain Picard's voice will lure you back. And only the catchy yet semi-repulsive spewings of two pasty-white twenty-somethings and their far more interesting dancers will be able to cure you of your ailment.

And that reminds me, I've heard a lot of talk about our "roots" recently, and frankly I am appalled. We are from the streets. Don't take these words lightly either, because they will be spoken from the heart, the most verbal of all organs.

In fact, before we decided on "Those Aren't Muskets," our sketch group was going to be called "Urban Street Vibe." So don't mess with us. We're really rough.

PS! I heard that the person who downloads the .mp3 the most gets a private teleportation to Prime Directive and Galaxy Class' space pleasure cruiser: "The Rhymnasium, A Serious Look at Rhyme and Space." Two weeks, all amenities paid (spa tub included).

So for your download and/or preferred audio previewing software, click (or indeed right click) here.

Ice In Space? Do Go On

My latest Cracked article, on the many ways in which I am inherently superior to the Phoenix Mars Lander, is available for both viewing and Digging, although not both simultaneously. In science news that's actually cool, here's a video of magnetic fields made visible.

June 1, 2008

They Even Spelled My Name Right

We've had a lot going on lately. Becoming Youtube partners. Gearing up for the move to L.A. Abe dying. So I thought it would be a fantastic opportunity to get my feet back on the know, see what the kids on the street are saying.

And lo and behold, no sooner do I start trawling the vasty nets than I reel in this little gem. Ladies and gentlemen, we are on the march. I don't know who these guys are, but they are clearly on a street of some kind, dressed as if they know what's groovy these days, and are by their own admission paying tribute to yours truly.

mike swaim tribute

The lip sync may be off, it may only be nineteen seconds long, and I may not fully understand why they use two people to recreate a monologue while a third person watches, but by God I'll take it!

Because at the end of the day, these guys get me, in a way no one else ever has or ever will (Lara, you can find my engagement ring on the night table on what used to be my side of the bed).

ADDENDUM: Someone just left me a hideous death/rape threat on the Cracked blog, so I think that balances out this touching tribute. I'm officially just a regular guy again.

May 28, 2008

All Your Tubes Are Belong To Us

The disembodied voice of TAM! here, with news on the business front. Seems we impressed the bigwigs over at video mega-monstrosity Youtube enough to get them to stop snapping their suspenders with their thumbs (it's what moguls do) and pick up a gold-plated phone. Long story short, we are now the proud owners of a Youtube Partnership and some snazzy complimentary suspenders. A shame, since no one in the troupe wears pants.

As to the partnership though, it basically means we get to put wicked graphics on our Youtube channel and our video pages and...dun dun DUN...we get actual, real money based on how many views the videos rack up. So if you've been putting off sending your friends that link to Sleeves or finally subscribing to our channel, there's never been a better time (for us, that is).

And remember: every click is money in our pockets, so you should probably code some sort of applet that just reloads our videos all day and night.

May 21, 2008

Pirates XXX II: Roman Numerals Gone Awry

My latest Cracked piece details the momentous occurrence of the this year's hottest release. A release which, coincidentally, will also cause you to release. Behold (and Digg!), the second installment in the most expensive porno ever made.

May 14, 2008

I'm Lucky Florida Doesn't Have The Internet Yet

Or there'd be a whole state of trogloditic sex fiends hunting me down for the horrible things I said in today's front page Cracked article about how they're dumb and stuff. They're probably so dumb they couldn't even figure out how to Digg it, let alone drive to my house and beat me up. Morons.

P.S. If by some miracle one of you Floridian lumps of dog crap is able to squeeze enough of the meaning of this post into your mealy, disease-ridden brain and plans some kind of cross-country travail to give me my cumuppeance, bring me an alligator.

May 7, 2008

Scientology Explained

This video I did for Cracked combines two of my favorite things: overdubbing and the Pure Moods song Adiemus. Enjoy the liberal use of both, and Digg it if you're so inclined.

May 5, 2008

S.M.I.C. III (Live Sketch Comedy)!

Long ago (check this blog's voluminous backlog for more details) I cut my teeth on the mean streets of live sketch comedy performance. And that street had a name. And that name was S.M.I.C.

Which is to say a bunch of Muskets!-approved and -involved folks are putting on the third iteration of an awesome sketch/improv comedy review here in San Diego at the Lyceum Theater this Thursday, Friday and Saturday at 8pm with a special show Friday at 11 (for the cool kids).

The team (most all of whom you'll recognize from being pants-shittingly hilarious in our vids) will present a selection of sketches, musical comedy, and improv guaranteed to rock your face out of this hemisphere.

This is the biggest show S.M.I.C. has put on so far, and at the coolest venue, so if you're in the San Diego area, definitely check it out. Tickets are only 5 dollars pre-sale and 10 at the door, available at the San Diego Rep box office (619) 544-1000. Make it happen!

Folk Music for the Digital Age

My uncle, Andrew Calhoun, has finally put some of his music online, and there's no way I can let that kind of joy go un-shared. He's a folk singer/songwriter, record label owner, and general badass. We had the privilege of hosting him for a house concert and he's gone and uploaded the results.

I've embedded some of my favorite songs of his, but he's got a ton of varied songs (Irish ballads, slave songs, spirituals, folk) and is an incredible guitarist. If you like this stuff, be sure to check out his record label, Waterbug records. They've got a big stable of talented artists (right now I like Jonathan Byrd, Anais Mitchell and Michael Troy).

Enjoy some aural pleasure, ducklings.

Other favorites: Peach Song, Long Legged Lover, Recall, I Love You All the Time, Fred's Family, Farewell Butterfly.

April 30, 2008

Jack Thompson Discovers a "Deadly" Threat to Our Children

Cracked decided to front page a piece I wrote about the video game-hating, ignorance-spewing Jack Thompson, so I in turn decided to let you guys know about that, which now I have done.



Be merry!

April 28, 2008

Muskets Fanart Contest Winners!

The first annual Muskets! fan art contest is closed, and the winners have been decided!

Below, behold the glory of the First Place entry, straight from Kadaver's scanner to your eyeballs! Click the thumb for an even bigger example of why we (and the artist) are so incredibly awesome!

Congratulations friend, the intense power of your collage has earned you a free Busted Tee of your choice, and a lifetime subscription to the official TAM! Newsletter!

Also, you now have the inherent right to look down on the contest's runners-up; we suggest you exercise it. Here they are, so you know who you're better than.

And don't worry runners up, you're still better than everyone else who entered, and WAY better than the billions of people who didn't!

Thanks to all who entered! When we get another free T-shirt, we'll let you know!

April 25, 2008

Muskets Shoppe Now Open!

After literally a few afternoons of hard work, we are proud to announce the opening of the online Muskets! Shoppe, where one (or preferably more) may peruse and purchase Muskets!-related apparel at competitive prices (for rip-off Internet stores, anyway), all from the comfort or discomfort of their own home!

We've thrown up seven or so designs, but we plan to roll out new shirts, stickers, mugs, etc. with semi-regularity. And for those who have been emailing: the plain logo T is coming, as soon as we track down a hi-res copy of said logo.

In the meantime, is there a design you desperately want to have emblazoned on your chest? A favorite sketch or line you'd like to advertise to the world? Let us know!

Now go get Daddy's credit card and start buying!

April 21, 2008


I'll be blunt with you: we've come into some good fortune vis a vis t-shirts. Which is to say, we have one. Or, rather, a voucher for one. Specifically, we are entitled to one (1) free busted tees shirt of our choice thanks to getting a video featured on College Humor.

And generous as we are, we thought why hog the cotton bounty when we can enrich the lives of our fans? Also, we already have two of the best shirt they offer (Pizza is the best). Naturally, we'll need something in return, which is why we've decided to announce the first ever MUSKETS ART CHALLENGE!

The rules are simple: send an image of a Muskets character, actor, or anything else TAM-related to our email inbox ( by the end of this week and on Monday we'll post the winner's pic and order whatever busted tee they want on their behalf. If no one enters, we reserve the right to extend the contest indefinitely and/or claim the shirt ourselves. And then weep into it.

Entries will be judged on craftsmanship, composition, originality, and irreverence. But remember...have fun with it!

I Don't Hate Judd Apatow

But I love getting attention by ragging on beloved figures at the height of their popularity. You should have seen the bit I did on Kurt Vonnegut right when Slaughterhouse-5 came out. Scathing. Anyway, check out my Cracked article on Mr. Apatow and Digg it to ironically show your love for him!

April 16, 2008

Thanks to You, Chops' Long Journey is Nearly at an End

ZOMG, you guys. A huge thank you to all who supported Chops in the Sketchies contest; the outpouring of support from our fans, friends and family was tremendous, and no matter what happens when they announce the winners on the 18th, we are in your debt. We say that now, because if it turns out we didn't win, the spite we're going to feel for you lazy fuckers will know no bounds.

To all those who endured a steady stream of TAM!-spam: the downpour is over. And hey, at least it rhymes, right? That's cute.

To all those who genuinely enjoyed the sketch and didn't just vote because we asked you to: as the front page reiterates, we are working on an extended cut of Chops (including a steamy hot tub scene!) that should be up on the site in the coming weeks. If you're sufficiently recovered from his first onslaught, be sure to look for that.

That's all for now. We return to our regularly scheduled sketches, and bask in the warm glow of your unconditional love.

Thanks again!

ADDENDUM: For the record, we officially got fourth place in the contest...not too shabby! We only lost out to Waverly Films (who are mega-huge and make videos for Fatboy Slim, Death Cab, and more), POYKPAC (also huge, at least on Youtube) and three hot teen girls singing about something or other.

April 14, 2008

Local Troop Makes Local Paper

In case some of you still get your news from ink on pulped trees (you barbarians you), check out the "Arts" section of today's issue of the San Digeo Union-Tribune for a few choice pics and some kind words about your friends the Muskets! We managed to finagle a feature in the hopes that it'd help us in the Sketchies competition (have you voted today?), and I think it came out pretty awesome, despite its glaring omission of the names of many Muskets regulars. Hopefully our next feature we can get the whole troop together for a giant barbecue or orgy or something; then they'll HAVE to list everyone.

Oh, and for those who live in the 21st Century, here's a link to the digitized article.

Addendum: Apparently, "Internet Party" was also in a newspaper in Cleveland, Ohio today. Don't ask me how I found that out.

April 10, 2008

Mitch Gavelneck Rides Again

Yankee Pot Roast has got another piece of mine up, and they made what is possibly the nerdiest and at the same time most awesome image ever associated with my work. Check it.

April 1, 2008

O Conductor of our Hearts, O Brian of our Kellys

Well, here we are. We've all been waiting for the perfect moment for some time now. You have given us so much: laughter, sadness, and the will to look into our own souls and see the truth. You remind us of ourselves and that we can strive to be better. No, the best.

So here's us giving back to you...

March 31, 2008

We Trend Upwards in More Ways Than One

In case you were interested in the details of our personal lives, so as to vicariously feel like you've "hung out" with us and "shot the shit," I thought I'd link you to the photos Abe took of our recent four-day backpacking trip through Idyllwild.

The plan was to buy a lot of expensive equipment, drive to the remote wilderness and eschew civility for a full 96 hours. As the pictures of us eating fifty dollars worth of pizza prove, we failed at least in the last regard. Turns out the whole mountain was iced over and we needed crampons to even enter the park.

Thus, we wandered from day hike to day hike, drove around town, and generally had a totally normal camping trip (with the exception of our invention of Bigfoot Bowling, destined to become the ultimate camping pastime, and gloriously featured in said photoset). Other highlights include me looking like a drug dealer from the 80's and Abe and I fistfighting.

Also, turns out while we were gone our daily traffic quadrupled and we got three vids on I Am Bored and two on Gorilla Mask. Guess we should leave town and stop working more often.

March 24, 2008

My Fiancee is Adorable

I was reading my Facebook wall--which I do too rarely--and came across this image Lara made for me that I'd forgotten about. It bears posting, so here goes:

For the record, that's me and Lara on the left holding hands, and our gargantuan dogs soaring overhead.

I love you sweetheart.

March 23, 2008

Cheer Up, Musket Kids!

It's really been a good week for our favorite musical artists here at TAM. First, epic glam rockers The Hot Farts reunited with a powerful re-release of their debut album. And now, a powerful straight-from-the-diary track comes from sensitive newcomers Death Car for Jimmy.

Truly, God's gift to musical history.

To personally relive these mind-blowingly unforgettable times, feel free to download the track and upload it to your iPod, iPhone, or other i-prefixed device.

March 21, 2008

Lord Bellingham Returns

One of my favorite pieces ever has gone up over at Yankee Pot Roast. I'd be ever so pleased if you were to absorb the information it contains by scanning your eyes across it.

March 20, 2008

Spitzer vs. McGreevey: Profiles in Dignity

I promised myself I wouldn't blog about Eliot Spitzer after this video basically did the whole thing to perfection. But technically, this post is about ex-Governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey, who decided that coming out of the closet and resigning last year wasn’t enough, and that it would be a good idea to wait twelve months and then publicly admit to bisexual threesomes with his aide.

Frankly, it’s the timing of the whole thing that makes me suspicious…one Northeastern Governor gets unseated thanks to a juicy sex scandal, then another does, then the first guy comes up with even more juicy elaborations on his sexcapades. Seems to me like someone’s missing the ol’ spotlight. Well, no worries Mr. McGreevey; I think after your little public dispute with Spitzer via press conference (embedded below for your viewing pleasure), you’re going right back on the front page.

Sketchies Finals (And The Hot Farts Director's Cut)

Oh shit oh shit oh shit. You guys, it's getting straight-up crazy in here.

When we started this thing 9 months ago, we never could have imagined that the comedy baby we were gestating would burst forth as a shot at forty thousand dollars. Nevertheless, here we are, a mere insurmountable number of votes away from winning the Youtube Sketchies II contest.

There are some extremely heavy hitters arrayed against us (Come on Waverly, you've already GOT production equipment!), and frankly we're kind of in an underdog situation, but if American cinema has taught us anything, it's that underdogs always win. Always.

We've got the heart, we've got the gumption, and we promise to make you the best fucking sketch we can. So a big thank you to all who voted for us in the semi's, and an apology in advance for the MASSIVE spamming you are going to receive during the Final voting period.

Seriously, for enough money to buy a new camera and fund our next twenty sketches, I will come to each of your houses every goddamned day and throw pebbles at your windows.

In related news: we don't usually do this sort of thing, but Youtube's 3 minute time limit meant we had to cut some supremely charming shit out of Hot Farts. Accordingly, we have now replaced it with a longer edit, so enjoy that on the main videos page or anywhere else Muskets! products are sold.

March 18, 2008 Reviews Muskets!

Well, we've gotten our first ever review, and already we're questioning everything we stand for and all that we've failed to accomplish. To see what some guy thinks of us, and my last name misspelled so as to be a past tense verb (can you guess which?), check out the article at

In all honesty, the guys over there were very cool and we appreciate the exposure, so hit them up.

In other news, the song we tried to post directly below this should be readable and downloadable now. It is, right? Someone please comment and tell us. More of those in the future, assuming we have in fact figured out how to post them.

March 13, 2008

The Hot Farts Reunion Tour!

You have no clue how excited I am. I just heard from my friend that The Hot Farts are rejoining. I know! So awesome! I've just been kicking wildly for a few hours in my room! Get this: they are not only doing a tour, but they are RE-RELEASING their debut album, "The Ogre King." You guys, this is seriously boss - you need to peep these sweet tunes. Uh oh, I feel some kicks coming!

For your listening pleasure, I have made available the LP's title track.

March 10, 2008

Samuel L. Jackson Releases Video Endorsement of Presidential Candidate!

Following in the wake of Jack Nicholson's stirring tribute to Hillary Clinton, famed and prolific Hollywood screen actor Samuel L. Jackson (Deep Blue Sea) has released a video clip detailing his own thoughts on the person best fit to run the country in 2008 and beyond. Let's watch, shall we?

Digg this video here!

March 6, 2008

8 Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped

Hey gang! I've got a new article up at Cracked about upcoming movie adaptations that shouldn't have ever been greenlit. It was co-written with my fellow bloggers, so there's some real back and forth there. "Back and forth" meaning smoldering, passive-aggressive hate.

Read it!

Digg it!

Be merry!

March 5, 2008

A Dated Piece of Miscellania From Your Favorite Humorista!

I've gone and gotten another article up at Yankee Pot Roast, one of the densest repositories of funny on the web. Check it here, and be sure to delve deeper into their archives. You won't be disappointed.

February 28, 2008

More Fun With Search Terms!

Lately things have been pretty good around here. We've got some awesome sketches in production, some secret projects underway, and traffic has picked up nicely. And of course with increased traffic comes an even greater wealth of ridiculous search terms used to find the site!

A lot of them seemed to be the efforts of users with more important quarry in mind, some persistently searching for answers to deep, penetrating questions only to find our site time and again. But most, as is to be expected, were looking for pornography. Welcome to the second installment of what I'm sure will become a family favorite for years to come. Let the search terms begin!

  • William buchanan bathroom specialist
  • some matrix shit
  • are beanie babies coming back?
  • Adolecence pornographi
  • big titted chick in chuck and larry
  • bird flu enthusiast
  • cervix open os
  • child molestation pedophile confessions
  • cocaine and peter townshend
  • colorful country aphorisms
  • do t-rex fear death?
  • Employee giving a blowjob to a customer in the bathroom
  • erotic high school
  • family dinner fuck
  • french and their fucking crepes
  • french farm configurations, historic
  • furry pedophile
  • handless disabled children
  • you used to be a folk singer now you're just a joke singer
  • john basedow shirtless
  • leather allergies -derma
  • land of leather allergies
  • michael's crafts black leather straps
  • mighty max, official pictures
  • muskits vidos
  • napolean baguette legend
  • rusty trombone handjob movies
  • real live granny gams
  • splashed with whale urine
  • squid farts
  • swollen nipples co-worker shirt
  • louis xiv versaille filthy odor
  • where do you put the penis during sex

And for the finale, this sequence of search terms all entered on the same day, all leading the user fruitlessly to our page. Note the stunning logical progression:

  • my muskets aren't working
  • musket rentals
  • musket plans

Hey, when you want something to work, you've gotta build it yourself. Godspeed, Internet person.

February 21, 2008

My GPS is Haunted by an Old Black Jazz Musician

When I drive around, I like to be told what to do by myriad celebrities. Imagine my rapture when I learned that this dream could finally become reality! Below, my first trip out with "Voice Skins." Rock.

February 16, 2008

The Writers' Strike is Over. Boooooo!

And like that, we lost all chance of landing stellar Hollywood careers right out of the gate by scabbing ferociously. Oh well, I guess we'll have to get discovered the old fashioned way: blowing David Geffen. In the meantime, here's a vid I made about the whole WGA strike dealy and a speech some union guy gave about it. Enjoy!

February 15, 2008

Mike on McSweeney's!

I am officially indier than you. After numerous attempts, I've finally gotten a piece of my writing up at known hipster enclave McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Check it out on the front page today, and the archives forever and ever until the universe implodes.

February 10, 2008

A Valentines Day Love-Letter

Dear Hot Lady Mythbuster,

You might not know who I am, but I know you. Almost every weekend, with the exception of during Shark Week, I sit down to the inevitable all day marathon of you. While Jamie and Adam bust the real myths, the ones that require the most mathematical skill and construction experience, you dig in and battle in the crappy myth trenches.

Every week you check the Mythbusters email account, scouring the inbox for the perfect myth that will bring you into the big leagues of mythbusting. I see the truth behind your dyed bangs in your watery puppy-dog eyes. You know Jamie and Adam don’t have any plans to let you on for one of the A-team myths. As long as you are cooped up under those mustachioed madmen, you will forever be a Junior Mythbuster. While Adam and the stoically bereted Jamie calculate how many bullets they can pump into their latest concoction of human flesh-like gelatin, you, Asian Mytbuster, and Sk8er Boi Mythbuster fold paper airplanes and index what Coca-Cola can and cannot erode.

I am sure you were one of many out of work actresses/model building enthusiasts who tried out for this unappreciated role. Let’s face it, you were hired for your sex appeal, and I barely get to see you. I don’t pay for cable to see two balding techies bicker about Kelvin versus Celsius. Don’t let these semi-entertaining, math formula-wielding tyrants impede on your career anymore.

So this Valentines Day, I offer you the most romantic thing a boy like me could conjure up: social action. The writers’ strike may be over, but there are still some just causes to fight for. So join me, Kari Byron, the Hot Mythbuster. Hand in sexy hand we will prove that all Mythbusters are created equally and deserve equal airtime, especially if they are super hot.

Brett Rader

Making the Offensive Moreso

Here are a few little redubs of those borderline-racist Sales Genie ads that aired during this year's Super Bowl. It turns out the company made them offensive on purpose, reasoning that there's no such thing as bad publicity. Then why not have some balls about it, I say?!

The results of said balls now:

February 8, 2008

10 Words and Phrases You Won't Believe Shakespeare Invented

To be fair, he didn't really INVENT them, he's just the first author credited with using them. I had a whole long explanation saying that at the beginning of the article, but it got cut. Apparently my editors didn't think an etymology lecture was FUNNY ENOUGH to keep in the final article. As Steve Martin would say, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Anyway, read it here.

And, if you are so inclined, Digg it here.

February 6, 2008

G4 Canada Has Excellent Taste as Well

Our storming of all things G4 continues!

At the request of our Northern cousins, we pre-recorded a short interview (below) about TAM! to be featured on their show Torrent. We also recorded a "throw" (even more below) that'll run occasionally during commercial breaks. How cool is that?

The sad part is we won't see the interview since we don't know anyone in Canada. If YOU are Canadian and feel like mailing or emailing us a tape of the show, we'd be in love with you. Just sayin'.

In the meantime, you can peep all that shit right nows without no TV or nuthin'. Enjoy!

February 3, 2008

G4 Has Good Taste

Check out TAM!'s first-ever TV appearance on G4's Attack of the Show. For the record, we were actually NUMBER 2 in the countdown, but the host lady misspoke. Still, we're leagues away from the number one pick, Pruane2. Truly, one of the greatest minds in modern comedy.

January 29, 2008

All TAM! Servers WIll Soon Be Down

Enjoy this parody of Anonymous' addresses to Scientology before this blog is hacked into and overrun with hardcore gay pornography (more than what we usually post, I mean).

January 22, 2008

A Parody of a Movie I Haven't Seen

So I died, and then the cops found this video in my house. Mysterious, no? Reminiscent of a movie, yes? Let's watch, and together uncover the mysteries that were my final hours.

January 16, 2008

Tom Cruise is Awesome. I Mean Crazy. Did I Say "Awesome?" That's Weird.

I posted this video (reposted below) on Youtube as part of my weekly Cracked blog and went to bed. By the time I woke up this morning, several interesting things had happened. One was that the video went kinda-viral and racked up 5,000 views and 65 comments in the two hours it was online, making me the #10 most viewed comedian on Youtube for January 16th, 2008 (a distinction I'll be sure to shoehorn into every conversation at my High School reunion).

Another interesting thing is that (according to a guy in London who emailed me, so take it with a grain of salt), a brief clip of my video was shown on English news as part of a story about the whole "Tom Cruise is Nutzo" general melange. So, that's cool.

Not cool is that within two hours, my video had been yanked at the request of the Church of Scientology. I reposted it at FoD, which is why you can watch it now (unless it was taken down again, in which case you can't). So enjoy it while it lasts!

In order to aid your viewing pleasure, I'll tell you that the general premise of the vid is that in the real interview (which Tom gave when he won a Scientology award four years ago), they use a lot of jump cuts. So I decided to imagine what would happen if the cameras had kept rolling. The result of that now:

January 10, 2008

8 Kids' Movies That Lied to Us

Check out my new CRACKED article on the front page here! Digg it here!

January 9, 2008

Michael Keeps His Promise

We don't know about some of you, but here at TAM, we take promises seriously. If you say you are going do something, no matter how drunk you are, you should feel guilty and terrible and wrong if you don't do it. This is proof that our very own Michael Swaim keeps his promises. And no man, woman, or robot has the right to claim otherwise.

January 2, 2008

The Rookie

Way back when we filmed The Interrogation, something totally unexpected happened: we finished early. Anyone with a camera can tell you that this is basically unheard of, so we decided to take full advantage of the extra time and improvise a bonus sketch then and there.

So here it is: the sketch we made up, from scratch, on the spot, in about twenty minutes. Enjoy!

2009 Those Aren't Muskets!