October 30, 2007

We've done it. It's done. We can't UNdo it.

Thanks to your rabid fandom and dedicated viewing, Those Aren't Muskets! celebrated the arrival in the mail of their very first ad revenue check from Revver for a whopping 21 dollars and change. Thanks, guys! We decided what better way to reward our most loyal fans than to use the money to degrade ourselves and make a video for you? The results below.

Clearly, TAM! love their fans. Thanks a ton kiddies; here's hoping we can net thirty bucks in November and eat something even more awful.

October 25, 2007

Eight Things Not to Tell Your Son When He Asks What You and Mommy Were Just Doing in the Other Room

  1. “Fighting. Well, in a manner of speaking. It’s more like our genitals were fighting.”
  2. “Discussing sex taxes. I mean taxes.”
  3. “Head on in and ask your mother; I think she’s still wiping up.”
  4. “Something you’ll now imagine thirty times a day for the rest of your life.”
  5. “Poundin’ that poon like it owed me money! Am I right?!” Then go for the high-five.
  6. “Do you know what a Cowgirl is? Like that, but reversed.”
  7. “It’s kind of a delicate process there tiger. How should I explain this? You see, when mommy and daddy get certain feelings…you know what? I’ll just show you.”
  8. “Making you about ten million little brothers and sisters. Only they’re all dead now.”

October 20, 2007

Why I Love Balls, by Samus Aran

Of all of the powers imparted to me by my battle suit, I’d have to say my favorite is the one where I turn into a tiny ball and roll around. Don’t ask me how it works; I got the suit from this guy at a party, and I didn’t really ask that many questions.

For a while, I didn’t even know I could turn into a ball. I mostly just shot stuff in my backyard with my plasma cannon. By the way, plasma cannon? Sounds cool, until you realize it's only about as powerful as a machine gun, and machine guns still let you use your fucking hand.

Anyway, one day I was trying to override some PAL thing so I could watch an import of Amelie my friend sent me, and I must have hit a switch or something, because all of a sudden I was the size of a small pumpkin, scuttling around my apartment not knowing what the fuck. Then I couldn’t figure out how to turn back!

It took me three days of rolling around eating food I’d left on the floor before I figured out I could drop one of those plasma bombs and hop up onto the kitchen counter. Ruined the hardwood flooring I'd just installed. And let me tell you: the inside of that ball was plastered with vomit in those days.

Yeah, it’s pretty disorienting having your bones and organs feng shui’d into a small sphere. But, you know, you get used to it. And now I love that damn ball. Anytime I’m getting my tight, toned ass handed to me by a space pirate or awkwardly bump into an ex on the street…ball and bomb, baby. Takes care of everything. I’ve left more than a few of my exes, mouth agape, with third degree plasma burns over the front half of their bodies while I roll happily away.

Also, thanks to being forced into that position all the time, I can go down on myself now. So if you’re ever at a party and a mysterious drifter offers you a battle suit for forty bucks and a lap dance, my advice would be to take him up on it. I did, and I couldn’t be happier. I still haven’t seen Amelie, though.

October 18, 2007

Funny, but in a Sad Way

My latest CRACKED article gives you, if nothing else, access to ten hilarious/depressing videos of celebrities being drunk. Some are more soul-crushing than others, and some are just flat out hilarious (Alex Trebek is my personal favorite, although Orson Welles is a close second). Enjoy!

October 17, 2007

The Day is Mine! Well, OURS really.

Yes, we were wrong yet again about the sketch upload date. Dennubis, you gain 50 xp for your successful perception roll.

But no longer, my friends! Today, the CRACKED.com main page has been laid waste by the combined forces of TAM! There's my blog entry about how your iPhone is killing you, my article about Star Wars actors' post-Star Wars career, and, of course, our brand new sketch Sharon and the Girls, finally being presented on a computer screen near you.

Naturally, you can also check out Sharon and the Girls on our main page, as soon as our webmaster wakes up and posts it. I'd do it myself, but I'm engaged in other business (read: don't want to). Anyway, as delayed as it may have been, hope you like the sketch and the articles, and Digg/forward them into oblivion.

October 12, 2007

TAM! Blog, I've Been Unfaithful

It's sad but true. I have needs, TAM! Blog, needs that you can't fulfill. Like being paid for posting. Mmmm, sweet sweet cheddar. That's right; CRACKED are actually giving me cash money to write about inane shit, just like I do here, only with more celebrity news mixed in. If that sounds like just your cup of tea, then I probably wouldn't like you if we met in person. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't race to your computer (which you are already presumably at) to check me out over at the all new redesigned CRACKED Blog. As a little taste, here's the vid I uploaded today for my first official entry. Enjoy!

October 10, 2007

No One Tells Us Anything

And then we lie to you. And baby, you know we'd never do that shit intentionally, right? We sorry baby boo, we be trippin'. But the real deal, for serious this time (I am told) is that CRACKED is relaunching on THURSDAY NIGHT. So keep those hors d'oeuvres warmed, those beers chilled, and those clicking fingers at the ready. Thursday. Night.

In the meantime, here's a link to my latest CRACKED article about movie source materials. If you, you know, want to practice your clicking in preparation for Thursday, you could, you know, oh gosh, digg my article maybe? I mean if you're not doing anything.

October 7, 2007

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Everyone be sure to check out our brand new sketch going up on the CRACKED front page tomorrow! The page is going to be all shiny and retooled, and we're counting on the millions of people who read this blog to convince CRACKED to keep us around by getting them a billion hits a second. That's a tall order, but I'm sure you guys can pull it off. Contact estranged relatives, set up TAM! release parties at your local auditorium, write a program that repeatedly loads the page. In short, DO YOUR DUTY. We're counting on you, musketeers.

October 4, 2007

Abe and Michael in the Kitchen

In order to provide our true fans--those willing to take the extra click and read our blog--with some incentive for doing so, we've decided to start filming some short sketches of what we do around the house, sort of a behind-the-scenes type of thing. These vids will only be on the blog, not the main page, so if you want to really get to know the men and women behind the muskets, this is the place to be. Hope you like it!

October 3, 2007

The 7 Most Gruesome Legends in Rock

Wanted to hook you guys up with a fresh, hot, steaming link to my newest CRACKED article profiling gross legends from the bowels of rock and roll history. As a special bonus, I'm even going to hook you up with two entries that got cut out when the title was changed from "Most ENTERTAINING Legends in Rock." Below, the deleted scenes:

The Legend:

Enraged after their breakup, and finally watching a complete episode of “Full House” and suffering the mild brain anyeurism that is the inevitable result, Alanis Morissette wrote the vitriolic “You Oughta Know” about all-around good guy and Bullwinkle impersonator Dave Coulier, AKA Joey Gladstone.


One copy of Robert Johnson's pact with the Devil.

Why we hope it's true:

Because the lyrics “Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?/I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner/It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced/And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?” being directed at Joey “the one who's not John Stamos” Gladstone is one of the most hilarious things we've ever heard. It's next to impossible not to imagine a brokenhearted Gladstone listening to the song, running into Alanis on the street the next day and angrily telling her to cut...it...out!

Yeah, but is it?

Most likely. Alanis has never denied it directly, and admits that it is about a real relationship from her past. Coulier has stated that he thinks it's about him, since the woman he dated after Morissette could have been called “an older version” of her, and because the song includes a reference to her “bugging him in the middle of dinner,” which she apparently did a lot, we're guessing to ask him to do his Popeye voice.

The Legend:

After Paul McCartney introduced then-friend Michael Jackson to the lucrative opportunities available to someone purchasing the publishing rights to the music catalog of a popular performer, Jackson put the principle to work by outbidding McCartney on the Beatles' catalog, of which is now the sole owner.


Two live Elvises.

Why we hope it's true:

The rich and famous betraying one another is like candy to us poor slobs, so the idea of Jacko stabbing Paul in the back is fraught with natural appeal. Remember when Phillips started using “Getting Better” in their TV commercials and you thought it was blasphemy? Blame Jacko, locked up in his hyperbaric chamber, pale flesh and silicone, brooding over a nest of pilfered Beatles classics. And imagine poor Paul, having to deal with the sobering thought of losing out on billions of dollars in potential income. What will he ever do to survive now that all his money has been stolen by one-legged gold diggers? If he's even alive, that is.

Yeah, but is it?

Yes, but it's way more boring and complicated than you think. Suffice it to say that Paul still gets a healthy amount of money, Jackson has very specific and limited rights over the music, and an explanation of copywright law is probably the worst thing to ever consider including in a humor article.

October 2, 2007

Announcing an Unlikely Alliance

Okay, it's not really all that unlikely. In fact, if you're familiar with the storied history of Those Aren't Muskets! or are reasonably astute, it's more of an inevitable development. But, nevertheless, an ALLIANCE!

As part of CRACKED.com's relaunch next week, TAM! will be filming a brand new sketch that will appear on the main page in what we are promised is a very prominent position. A bunch of folks read CRACKED, so this is a pretty big deal for us, especially since the relaunch is going to make the site more video-centric that its current incarnation.

What does this mean for you, the fan? Well, basically it means you don't have to wait a week for another sketch, as we have agreed to get the finished product online by October 4th (AKA Thursday). So look for it on our site and at CRACKED.com, and make us as famous as we clearly deserve to be.
2009 Those Aren't Muskets!