December 27, 2007

Video Blogging: One of the Three Things I Have in Common with Queen Elizabeth II

In a stubborn, lagging acquiescence to the ceaseless tide of technology, the British Royal Family has officially acquired a Youtube channel and begun releasing videos, including the Queen’s annual “Christmas Address.”

Naturally, this transition to a new medium was not without complications, but as you can see from the compiled clips below, the old gal seems to be adapting quite well. Long Blog the Queen!

P.S. Still haven't bought that microphone.

December 19, 2007

Chuck Palahniuk Reads You The News

Here's another webcam show idea I ran by CRACKED. Hope you enjoy it, as it was far too niche-specific to ever run on the site. But, we're working on some new ideas and should have something up at my CRACKED blog shortly after the holidays.

Happy Christmahannukwanzakah!

December 15, 2007

Carl's, Jr. Commercial Commentary

Here's a little webcam video I made as a test pilot to try out some ideas for a weekly show. I am still looking at putting together a weekly web show to appear either here or on my CRACKED Blog, but before I make it I promise I'm going to go buy a real microphone. In the meantime, enjoy this rough draft:

December 13, 2007

My Writing Spreads Like a Hilarious Cancer

Just wanted to let everyone know that my Alvin and the Chipmunks article (see below) got picked up by one of my favorite humor sites Yankee Pot Roast. Check it out here, and on the front page for today and tomorrow!

December 11, 2007

The Boiler Room News

Wayne Gladstone, friend of TAM!, CRACKED Blogger, and rad-pants humor writer, has started to produce daily fake news segments in his filthy-looking basement. They are short, to-the-point, and no frills; this is fake news for those who like it rough. I've embedded my personal favorite (so far) below, and you can see the rest here. They update daily. Enjoy!

December 9, 2007

How Do You People Find Us?

As users of dazzling technology, we here at TAM! are able to track every minute movement that occurs within the confines of our web-space. And something that occurs more often than you'd think is that people find our site by plugging ridiculous/disgusting/highly offensive search terms into Google.

I thought it would be fun to share some of these with you, so that you too can puzzle over how the hell some of these got users to our site, and imagine how disappointed they must have been to find only sketch comedy videos.

  • Radiohead do you want another beer I want another beer
  • "114 point inspection"
  • "guy tied" blog clip
  • "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" 2 minute monologues
  • "t rex" "to bursting"
  • "the mq" ucsd totally wants my nuts
  • bear attack homosexual
  • big titted friends
  • bird trapped in walls
  • bearl ives pediphile
  • guys with swollen nipple on youtube
  • rusty trombone video preview
  • samus aran vomit
  • what are 10 reasons for hikers to avoid bears?
Do you really need more than one? And of course, last but not least:
  • unidentifiable lumps on vagina
Mmmm. Until next time TAM!sketeers!

December 8, 2007

The Next Great American Show

I just spent two days newspapering the entire interior of my home to prepare for the coming weeks' onslaught of moments that might cause me to shit myself. You see, we're just weeks away from the conclusion of one of the most unique, vibrant displays of American authorship and Queen covers. Yes'm, that clever spectacle of democracy – FOX's Next Great American Band finals.

Our lovable benefactors at FOX have provided for us the service of deciding the next truly Great American band. Just a heads up, its one of them.

Like its parent show Idol, America will end up deciding the victor of the bandstand, however, America will need some help along the way. Help coming in the form of Ian “Dicko” Dickson, Sheila E., and Goo Goo Dolls front man John Rzeznik, whose name means “butcher” in Polish.

These guys really know how to pull together an image. They know exactly what audiences want. Topping the list, of course, is having a font that looks vaguely like Star Wars and heavy metal played by kids who weren't alive to see it die.

I have never seen Australian Idol, and I assume most Americans haven't either, which is why I was displeased to find that when I googled Ian Dickson, I hadn't found the right one. In earnest, however, I do commend Band's commitment to formula – as seen here, we still need an outsider, albeit a White one (read: Brit, Aussie) to let us know how America is matching up with the rest of the world.

The man's honest though– as he publicly outed his history with alcoholism in a series of interviews last year. At one point saying: “I've done drunk, I want to try sober for a bit.” That kind of commitment to alcohol is just what American television needs: someone who may flirt with sobriety “a bit” but gives us the notification that “he'll be back” joining the fine ranks of Simon Cowell and David Hasselhoff. Ah yes, the days of “sitting on a street corner urinating in your trousers and shadow boxing” will be here soon.

In the 9-week competition, each band covers a well established recording artist each episode. Of the 7 bands so far covered, 4 have been British. I assume this is because of the show's creators' deep devotion to American History, not getting stoned and listening to rad music.

I also assume the highly successful remake of American Idol, Season 1 will lead to more reality contest branch outs in the coming years. For only good can come from publicly displaying a platter of Americans that I can choose from.

To credit this, I give you FOX's next amazing achievement of culture creationism: “The Next Great American Novel” as judged by a drunken Anglo-Saxon, Paula Abdoul clone, and John Rzeznik, whose name once again means “butcher” in Polish.

Round 1 Title: A Self-Aggrandizing Grouping of Extenuating Circumstances

Aussie: “Yoi sentence structure es shiit, I 'wear to God ni dawnt know oos talkin'!”

PA clone: “I loved it.”

The Rzez: “A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio”

Round 2 Title: Bloke

Aussie: “I looov the 'art where he farts and gets the blowjob in the hospital closet'oom!”

PA clone: “I liked it a lot.”

The Rzez: “Well, you used to be a folk singer, now you're just a joke singer / Ain't no smokin' dope singer, swingin from a rope singer .”

Round 3 Title: Oliver Twist: The American Version

Aussie: “Whut the fuck is all this, then?”

PA clone: “I loved it.”

The Rzez: “When everything's made to be broken / I just want you to know who I am.”

But in any case, they have done it. FOX is officially the cultural liaison bridging the distance between the common man and the fine arts. There's a little piece of us in every single goth, prog, indie, smooth jazz, rap, folk Christian rock group; and FOX allows us to see this.

Somewhere in the two-minute clips of less-than-subtle modern Americana, I see a faint mirage of Abe Epperson, awesome lead singer, amateur photographer, and overall great band mate. And those kinds of visions deserve titles like “great” and “idol” - because deep down, these people are America.

December 7, 2007

The Thoughts of a Ten-Year-Old, as Imagined by the Producers of Alvin and the Chipmunks

Right off the bat, let me say this: Underdog was fantastic. No one's disputing that. But those halcyon days are quickly fading from my juvenile memory, and I find myself--and I think I speak for my whole demographic here--yearning for something new. Something fresh, yet familiar. Something with Jason Lee.

And I'm not talking sequel or tie-in here. I need something completely and totally original, something so unique and young that it positively screams out to my age bracket. I'm talking franchise rebranding. And as a conscientious ten-year-old viewer, I will accept no less.

But what franchise? What long-discarded premise can be plucked from the dust of antiquity, polished and refashioned into something I, an adorable tyke, will want to see again and again? One thing's for certain: it will need some references to hip-hop culture. You know, to speak to my generation.

By the very Gods, I've got it! Alvin and the Chipmunks! What better franchise to turn into a movie than an irrelevant 80's cartoon sitcom that I've neither seen nor have any understanding of?! Much like the brilliant masterworks Inspector Gadget and Shaggy Dog, it's got the perfect mix of dated characters and plot with the opportunity for garish computer enhancement. By God, it's enough to make me wet my ten-year-old pants.

But there are a few elements missing from the original show. If they're going to make it right, make it "now," they're going to need to jazz it up a bit. And by jazz, I mean a nice gloss of fubu, some 70's funk references to go right over my head, and a healthy dose of x-treme attitude. We're talking Sonic the Hedgehog, Bart Simpson, and other characters I have only a vague understanding of. Yeah, something like that would really get me throwing desperate tantrums.

Oh, and a scene where someone eats poop! As a child, there's nothing I find funnier than fecal play. And upping the ante from a mud pie to animal waste really lets me know that this isn't my grandpa's kids movie. It's a whole new paradigm, one that's not afraid to “go there” and be “in my face.”

Naturally, the parents will need something to keep them in the seats. I can't tell you how often I've had a wonderful film experience ruined when I realized my Mom wasn't having any fun. I'm just empathetic like that, you know? So for her sake, they'd better cast an obscure underground comedian, known almost exclusively for filthy, controversial humor. Did someone say David Cross? I don't know who that is, but I'm sure Mom will find his gentrified, whitewashed bit part extremely satisfying.

So what have we got? Fubu'd out CG animals with whiny, high-pitched voices: check. There's your relatability right there. After all, I'm nothing if not a fan of black culture, and even I have to admit my voice can get a little nasally around nap time.

Next? A single-parent familial relationship that encourages unhealthy acting out and the eating of waste: check. Hell, I'm so suggestible I might just try it myself! Or better yet, I could get Mom to buy me an Alvin and the Chipmunks poop-eating playset! If they don't market something like that, they're going to be missing out on a lot of merch revenue, I can tell you that much.

And finally? A soundtrack evenly divided between classic rock and funk songs with no nostalgic significance for me and sly snippets from sexually suggestive contemporary hip-hop that I won't hear for four more years: check.

Yes, a film like that would easily be the most successful kid's movie of the year; I'd bet all of the old Mighty Max toys I inherited from my older brother on it. At least, as long as they handled the advertising properly, with plenty of trailers that make it look like an action movie and reference Beatlemania, another historical phenomenon of which I have no knowledge, but am sure would really pique my interest.

With any luck, the movie will spawn a retooled version of the old cartoon show. Then I can rock out to the a stiffly-animated Alvin and company five afternoons a week, and purchase whatever no-doubt captivating products are advertised between the eight-minute blocks of bright color and screeching.

It's certainly an exciting time to be ten years old in America. Now where's my Superfriends sippy cup?

December 4, 2007

It's Official

Go home, Stallone. Your comeback has been nice, but it ain't gonna happen, pops. We've already got the most totally awesome action star of this generation, if not the history of film. Christian Bale is officially the man's man of movie stars.

Yes, he's John Connor.

The guy is just awesome. He's intense, putting on and losing extreme amounts of weight for films as needed, and he just chooses to be in the right movies. We're not gonna see this guy go Hugh Jackman on us (see: Kate and Leopold).

Look at his characters: Batman, John Connor, guy who takes the 3:10 to Yuma - he's just an all around badass. He's even starring in the real version of Medellin. Take that, Vincent Chase.

As I have mentioned in blogs previous, as soon as the guy does something stupid and gets himself killed, Bale is a lock to play Bear Grylls. I mean, just look at these two guys...they have to be related. And say what you want about Bear Grylls being a liar...he still drank from elephant poo.

I recently spoke with Bale and he revealed to me some of the movies he will be starring in that would even further increase his rating on the awesomeness scale. Though official images have yet to be released for these films, Bale told me that I could feel free to photoshop some pictures and that they would suffice. These new projects include:

Christian Bale as 2-time Superbowl MVP and international lover Tom Brady

Christian Bale as Sean Connery in Goldfinger

and the new, printed on biodegradable film, global warming conscious film adaptation of...

Captain Planet, starring Christian Bale

2009 Those Aren't Muskets!