The 7 Most Gruesome Legends in Rock

Wanted to hook you guys up with a fresh, hot, steaming link to my newest CRACKED article profiling gross legends from the bowels of rock and roll history. As a special bonus, I'm even going to hook you up with two entries that got cut out when the title was changed from "Most ENTERTAINING Legends in Rock." Below, the deleted scenes:

The Legend:

Enraged after their breakup, and finally watching a complete episode of “Full House” and suffering the mild brain anyeurism that is the inevitable result, Alanis Morissette wrote the vitriolic “You Oughta Know” about all-around good guy and Bullwinkle impersonator Dave Coulier, AKA Joey Gladstone.

Rating:

One copy of Robert Johnson's pact with the Devil.

Why we hope it's true:

Because the lyrics “Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?/I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner/It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced/And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?” being directed at Joey “the one who's not John Stamos” Gladstone is one of the most hilarious things we've ever heard. It's next to impossible not to imagine a brokenhearted Gladstone listening to the song, running into Alanis on the street the next day and angrily telling her to cut...it...out!

Yeah, but is it?

Most likely. Alanis has never denied it directly, and admits that it is about a real relationship from her past. Coulier has stated that he thinks it's about him, since the woman he dated after Morissette could have been called “an older version” of her, and because the song includes a reference to her “bugging him in the middle of dinner,” which she apparently did a lot, we're guessing to ask him to do his Popeye voice.

The Legend:

After Paul McCartney introduced then-friend Michael Jackson to the lucrative opportunities available to someone purchasing the publishing rights to the music catalog of a popular performer, Jackson put the principle to work by outbidding McCartney on the Beatles' catalog, of which is now the sole owner.

Rating:

Two live Elvises.

Why we hope it's true:

The rich and famous betraying one another is like candy to us poor slobs, so the idea of Jacko stabbing Paul in the back is fraught with natural appeal. Remember when Phillips started using “Getting Better” in their TV commercials and you thought it was blasphemy? Blame Jacko, locked up in his hyperbaric chamber, pale flesh and silicone, brooding over a nest of pilfered Beatles classics. And imagine poor Paul, having to deal with the sobering thought of losing out on billions of dollars in potential income. What will he ever do to survive now that all his money has been stolen by one-legged gold diggers? If he's even alive, that is.

Yeah, but is it?

Yes, but it's way more boring and complicated than you think. Suffice it to say that Paul still gets a healthy amount of money, Jackson has very specific and limited rights over the music, and an explanation of copywright law is probably the worst thing to ever consider including in a humor article.