S.W.A.I.M., Episode 24

The first new Cracked TV since, like, forever is here, and it's designed to remind you why you were glad it was gone! Cervix ahoy!

Precious Meets Gollum

And it doesn't end well. At least in the sense that getting impregnated by a vampire isn't "ending well."

Agents of Cracked Soundtrack (Pt. 2)

Here it is. The intro to the series. The wonderfully rhythmic and deliciously tonal concoction created by Tom O'Brien, brother of Dan, the most lady-like man I have ever known.

Point is, we all love the intro theme and hope you do too. We couldn't have asked for a better composer, and his work is downloadable as of now:

Right click here to download the AoC theme.

Enjoy. We sure do.

AoC: A Retrospective

Agents of Cracked has come to an end, and we'd like to thank everyone who worked on the project and all the lovely people who watched and enjoyed it. It was a lot of fun, and we hope to make a second season sometime in 2010. There's also going to be a DVD coming out...more on that later. In the meantime, stay tuned for our next thing and check out any episodes you missed (with witty commentary!) with this handy Cracked episode guide. If you want to keep nerding out on AoC, head over to this page to download some Agents of Cracked desktops or go right here to download the song from "Mystery of the Ladies' Room."

Agents of Cracked Soundtrack (Pt. 1)

By popular demand, the first one you may download is the montage track during "The Mystery of the Ladies Room," in it is some other sound design that was originally intended, though taken out for the sake of the dialogue in the episode.

All music, as always, made by me. I'll be in my music cage if anyone needs me.

And right click for download.

This Is Odd

I always hoped I'd end up on Perez Hilton, but more for my outrageous cocaine hot tub than a multinational advertising campaign.

Oh No, I Died!

Regular viewers of Cracked TV may have noticed that in episode 23, I featured a joke about a Youtube tribute commemorating my own passing. Well, some regular viewers did, because they went ahead and joined in my morbid speculation. Please enjoy these touching Youtube tributes to me and practice laughing at my death. Trust me, it's a skill that will come in handy.

Used Tampons, Anal Sex, And Dying In Space

Well, we're about two months into my tenure as resident "Funny Guy" over at Guyspeak, the blog where I've been interfacing almost continuously with members of the fairer sex. I've written a poem about used tampons, explored the romantic possibilities of dying in space, answered questions about curved penises and anal sex, and defined the word "Fappable." Come join the perversion!

You can check out all of my illuminating relationship advice, catch up on the blogs, or even ask a question of your own on the front page. But be warned: my advice almost always involves eating a boar's heart (for the power).

Agents of Cracked Is Go

The series kicked off about eight hours ago with this here pilot. You can follow the events as they unfold in episodic fashion at the official AoC mini-site on Cracked.com. We're releasing an episode a day, so keep your seatbelts fastened to your buttholes, because shit is about to fly. WHAT?!

Agents of Cracked Trailer

The online premiere of our brand new web series is just around the corner, but paving the way like some kind of whacked-out demonic helldozer here's Agents of Cracked: The Trailer.

Watch. More words would only cheapen this experience for you.

Muskets! On Comedy Central!

Thanks to our involvement with Genius Camp, we got to see one of our sketches up on Comedy Central! Very awesome. All the campers helped with this one, but if you want to get specific, that's Noah Byrne of Horsehead Businessman next to me, and I believe Abe was holding the camera. Everyone else was outside the tent yelling suggestions or drinking a kind of marijuana drink we made on POYKPAC's roof.

If you'd like to see this sketch (and many others) unaccompanied by a horrible screeching sound, please check out the Genius Camp video gallery.

Mike's Lost Zombie Article!

So, you've been waiting months for a new Those Aren't Muskets! video. Well, WAIT NO LONGER! Our latest word-video is up now at Cracked.com, complete with still frames, words, and the ability to "scroll through" the video at your own leisurely pace! And reading! And zombies! And click here to read it!

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 23

If you liked "I'm On A Boat," then logic dictates you will like this episode of Cracked TV twenty-three times more!

Do What I Tell You To Do And Be Loved!

If you've been missing my dulcit verbosity over at Cracked.com, not to fear. I've got a new blogging gig, answering YOUR relationship questions over at brand new blogsite guyspeak.com! It's basically a site where anyone can write in questions about pretty much anything and aim them at one of a number of various guy "types." I'm "The Funny Guy" for reasons that escape me.

So if you've ever been watching Internet Party and wondered what Ebay would think about your boyfriend's lack of communication and how it may stem from his distant relationship to his father, then YOU'RE IN LUCK!

Come, Muskets friends, and ask me questions that I may answer them in humorous and enlightening fashion. I'm also going to be straight-up blogging on there once a week, and they've even got a nifty dictionary of guy-related terms. Come hang with us.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 22

This exists now, and it didn't before. It's really a miracle when you think about it. THIS SHOW IS A MIRACLE.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 21

Finally, the Cracked TV episode that's old enough to drink. I'm telling you, this Cracked TV episode is going out with some friends tonight and getting absolutely wrecked. Enjoy it now, because in a few hours it's going to be hurling into some bushes outside a Coco's like it doesn't KNOW what.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 20

When this episode was eight minutes long, it stuck a lot more to the premise of the title. But it was slow, boring, and not as funny. Here's hoping you want humor out of your comedy rather than titular accuracy (which, knowing the Internet, is not necessarily the case).

Our Michael Ian Black Interview

Recently, Cracked got the opportunity to do a phone interview with Michael Ian Black, and rather than just talk to him or do anything the easy way or in a fashion that would make sense to him, they decided to have Dan O'Brien, Abe and I put together a sketch on our end, then edit his interview answers in. Results to follow.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 18

With this Cracked TV, we have successfully filled in the missing episodes between 16 and 19. Hopefully, this experimental handling of the timeline and fleshed out backstory will cast episode 19 in a whole new light. A gritty, sexy light, like a dim red lamp with gravel in the bulb.

Check it! New Threads!

Hey Dr. Nick! You're probably noticing I suddenly look different. This is because we have been hacked. A hefty hacker hacked us haphazardly and now the site looks like this! Thanks mystery hacker!

If you have any notes and want to vent about how much you hate the redesign, post it in the comments, I will gladly ignore your scowls in protest of my beautiful, beautiful work. I HTML on napkins, bitch. So deal. Jeez.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 17

What better way to return from a hiatus than with an episode that's offensive on no less than two levels? See if you can discern and articulate BOTH LEVELS OF OUTRAGE! And hey, maybe you'll discover even more offensive things about this episode! The sky's the limit.

Cocaine and Hot Dogs

Aside from being a revolutionary new lunch entree/energy booster, cocaine and hot dogs also refers to the two latest discharges from Genius Camp. It's been a while, but the Geniuses aren't licked yet! Stay tuned for even more to come.

Noah and Mike Camp

A fool for not loving you

The newest piece of ass to come out of Brooklyn:

Bigfeets Man!

Find enclosed the latest installment of the InTents sketches. This one has quite a bit of cast too so if P0ykpac, or Horsehead Businessman, or Scott Gairdner happen to be your thing, check it out. I'm also in it! I'm never in things!

Sad Scraps

It is no secret that the sketch world could use some more lady. Far too many groups make no attempt to include estrogen into the equation. Which is why were so lucky to have 3 hilarious women put together this little ditty. All hail the vajay. Shot by me, edited by Loo.

We blow minds

So here's one our favorite sketches from the Genius Camp 2009 collection. The following was co-written mainly by Mike and Noah from Horsehead Businessman, and shot by me. The actors are Taige Jensen (P0YKPAC) and Brian McElhaney (BriTANick). Some of the shots aren't reversed, can you find which ones! OH EMMM GEEEEEEEE-

Early Christmas for Tent Lovers

Sure, you may think this is a shitty Christmas present, but "fans," it comes from the heart. Think of it this way, giving you your present now saves you from a Christmas morning Muskets surprise. You don't want that. It involves a lot of Mike rubbing his bod on most of your stuff. I've seen it happen. It's not pleasant.





Note: for our non-Christmas practitioners, that's fine. You can still watch.

Ore Die Trying

The latest Genius Camp bounty. It's your basic reality show spoof, except with the added twist that no one participating in the sketch was aware that it was a spoof. Enjoy. Or don't. I'm not here to dictate your emotions (and that should make you sad).

BriSWAIMicK

Brilliant sketch wunderkinds BriTANicK graciously invited me to make a cameo in their latest sketch. It's up on Cracked now, ready for Digging, and less than a minute long (so you really have no excuse).

The Fist Genius Camp Vids!

The Genius Camp vids are finally starting to get released! Here are the first three, to give you a little taste of the magic. The rest of the videos will be showing up over the course of the next few weeks on the Genius Camp Youtube channel; make sure to subscribe to see all 19 (or just incessantly check the channel).

There's also a bunch of behind the scenes videos and other bonus material on the channel, so be prepared to lose some time.

A Genius Prepares

Here's the first-ever video result of the massive collaboration known as Genius Camp (Working Title). Even better, we made it without actually having to interact with one another! With any luck, the rest of the camp will be handled in exactly the same way.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 16

I'm going away for a few weeks (see below post), but I leave you with this laser-guided discharge into the face of all humankind. Enjoy dying in fire, you fleshy bitchez (one of the first changes we robots are going to implement is to change "s" to "z" a lot of the time, because it's way cooler sounding).

GENIUS CAMP 2K9

Quit your jobs, throw out your phones, and bust out your honorary doctorates, because Genius Camp (Working Title) officially kicks off on Monday.

What is this wonderful new way to wile away my life, you ask? It's a bunch of your favorite sketch troupes (Muskets included), meeting in New York City for two weeks to form a wild crazy super-troupe and produce as many sketches as possible.

And though we voted for the name "A Fortnight of Farts," we're still incredibly excited about GC, and you should be too. Are you? No? Man, tough imaginary crowd. Okay, watch this introductory video and see if that does anything for you.



Now that you've got all that enthusiasm welling up, don't just let it simmer, use it to get started on the Muskets! Genius Camp Checklist (tm):

1. If you have a Youtube account, subscribe to the Genius Camp youtube channel to make sure you see all GC-related videos as soon as they come out.

2. Get to know some of the other troupes: Good Neighbor, POYKPAC, Scott Gairdner, Loo in London, the Fine Brothers, and Horsehead Businessman.

3. Check the Cracked front page starting June 8 to see our official mini-site, which will include a group-updated photo and video blog, community talkbacks, and the sketches themselves.

4. If you live in New York or are a wealthy person, come out to the official Genius Camp screening on the 22nd. I don't know where exactly it is. Go to New York and ask someone; I'm sure they'll be able to help you out.

Lots more info to come, so make sure to check the Cracked mini-site or risk falling woefully behind!

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 19

Due to a systems malfunction (although I still attribute it to human error), the follow up to Cracked TV 15 is Cracked TV 19. In order to accomodate this change, the numbers previously known as 16 through 18 have been abolished. Please observe this change, and this video.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 15

Even though this episode is almost a minute shorter than all the other ones, I personally guarantee that watching it will feel like it took an eternity. If THAT doesn't pique your morbid curiosity, I don't know what will. Digg it before you get to the end.

5 Ways Humans Could Become Obsolete

I turned a recent fascination with the Technological Singularity into my longest article ever! Hurry up and read it before any of its dire predictions come true and my job is replaced by a Hum0rt0n-K8000.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 14

New episode of Cracked TV is up and around, this time on the saddest world record attempts of all time. I look slightly less sad by comparison; you don't want to miss it! You can check the happiness here or below, or impart some genuine happiness by Digging here.

Sexual Harassment

All Those Aren't Muskets! employees are hereby mandated to observe the following viewing materials as part of a company-wide refresher on intra-office etiquette. Failure to do so will result in a vague sense of loss.

Horrifying Children's Books

I've got a new article up at Cracked about children's books that shouldn't exist. Consider it a macabre oddity, or perverted shopping list if you're babysitting and are incredibly cruel. Either way...whoomp! here it is.

Billy Bob, With Sub(text)titles

Why read between the lines when you can just read? For the inferentially impaired, I'm pleased to present the latest installment in the "Billy Bob Thornton is a crazy ass" interview series, complete with a subtext caption track! And since we've already established that you don't respond to subtlety, DIGG THIS NOW.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 13

Drivetime Mikey's swan song is as stirring and memorable as when he burst on the scene a mere fortnight ago. Tonight we cherish, for tomorrow never knows. Farewell, you man o' the golden throat. We return to your regularly scheduled android in two weeks. Until then, Digg this shit.

Mistah Twittah

...is what all the lads have been calling me ever since I got my head out of my ass and made a Twitter page! So if you want to feel even closer to me than you already do by reading this blog (I'm talking to you, Karen), start following me on my brand new spiffily twitterpated Twitter page, SWAIM_CORP located hereabouts. Hurry, before it gets bought out by DOB_INC and the stock price skyrockets!

You, From The Past

Dan and I managed to get another Lunch Hour Sketch knocked out, and it's currently racking up the views over at Cracked. Check it here or there. That is all for now.

6 Reasons Shakespeare Would Write For Cracked

Forsooth and prithee! Lo, thine ears must attends't thou upon the Lysander o' the moors, ere which tis jest most bawdy thereupon wherewhich...prithee...look, just read it.

Sketch Preview (or Post-View)

Our brand new sketch should be going up later today on the main page, but to tide you over (for the thing you didn't know was happening till just now), here's a tasty sneak peak I put together for no reason whatsoever.

SPOILER ALERT! This happens in the sketch. Also important to note: that girl looking disgusted at the sight of my bare chest? My fianceé. That's how hideous I am. Sigh.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 12!

It's the 21st Century now, and we've all got to start looking to the future. Accordingly, I've changed the format of my show to a weird hybrid of TV and radio. Just like the future. Enjoy!

Video Game Characters With Mental Illnesses

What? I've combined elements from two spheres of experience which ought not to be combined according to traditional contexts? Methinks there may be comedy afoot!

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 11!

Why waste time reading a description of the episode when you can start wasting some serious time right now?! And if you've just got to waste that extra ten seconds, try Digging the vid, then whistling for nine seconds.

Mug of Pens!

The first installment of an erratically-updated series Dan O'Brien (of Cracked fame) and I are doing just went live today. Check it out here, and Digg it here if you want to help ensure its continuation.

S.W.A.I.M. Has A New Home!

In case you've trained your brain to totally ignore our little welcoming text on the front page, I wanted to make everyone aware that the S.W.A.I.M. show now has an official home on the Muskets! website! He's got his own special mini-site and everything. Check it out here or get to it any time from the link on the front page. There's never been a better time to watch them all again back to back!

DINO-FIGHT!

Quick! There's a dinosaur fight at the old Whitley place, and we're all invited! If you're new to the sport, try checking out my latest Cracked article for a list of fossilized fops with glass jaws and occasional claws. And what's a paleontology article without a good Digg?

Black Max

Have you heard of this band Black Max? One of their guys contacted us with a question about video equipment, and I perused their website only to find that their music is genuinely awesome, so I thought I'd share. They're kind of like if the fancy sensibilities of the Decemberists met the dark carny vibe of the Tiger Lillies. They list some influences as Nick Cave, Tom Waits, Leonard Cohen and Stephin Merritt.

Dark, fancy, organ-y, pretty cool. Check 'em out, especially the in-site radio on this page (just click the flashing "on air" button).

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 10!

Thar she blows! And by "thar," I mean below this line of text. In this episode, our intrepid crew suffer casualties and fear for their futures. All that and LASERS. How can you go wrong?

Crush. Dave. Foley.

Gentle fanbase, you have no idea how much it pains me to say this, but the time has come for all of us to muster our collective strength and DESTROY DAVE FOLEY. He's my favorite Kid in the Hall, and probably one of my favorite comedians of all time, but nonetheless I want nothing more than to feel the crunch of his trachea beneath my boot as he cries out for a mercy that will never come, the rictus of his death face reflected on the glassy eyes of his murdered children (does he have kids?).

Which is to say, our sketch about naming porno movies has been selected as an entrant in the atom.com comedy showdown, giving us a shot at getting it aired on Comedy Central!

The downside is, we're up against a sketch featuring Foley, which in any other context would be an instant death sentence. But I believe in us. If you do too, get an account on atom.com and VOTE YOUR ASSES OFF. Then get your friends to vote THEIR assess off. If all goes as planned, none of us will have asses come this time next week.

Your vote can help make our dreams come true. Get to it, dream makers.

Defending the Habit

My newest Cracked article is up today, and it's all about video games and art. If you're looking to learn about some rad modern artists or just tell me what a fuckwit I am for neglecting (insert favorite game here), check it out and give it a Digg!

Mike Liveblogs The Oscars!

I'm doing that thing the headline said RIGHT NOW! HERE! That same link should take you to a transcript in case you're not reading this blog as I post it. Ciao!

Our Show On PBS!

I bet you didn't know we hosted a three-minute kids' show from Abe's living room in the early nineties on PBS, did you? Well, here's the only surviving clip, a very special episode featuring the Daily Noodler and premonitions of FOX programming that was still decades to come. Enjoy!

Mike on Scenic Anemia

Scenic Anemia, an awesome-rad humor site, has a vintage Swaim article as their front page today! Check it out, give them some comments, and dig through the archives. There's a lot of quality time-wasting material to be found.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 9!

That incorrigible robohost is back, and this time he's brought a bunch of Mario-related excess with him. Revel in all things plumber and show that bellend Bowser where it's at.

Muskets VD Ecard

What better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than by sending your loved one fifteen seconds of hate skimmed right off the top of our new sketch?

Voila!

Ecard away, people, and pave the way for raunchy, animalistic make up sex.

Our Doritos Ad

Way back a few weeks ago, we put together an entry for the Doritos Crash the Superbowl competition, where one fan-made, fresh, creative, invigorating commercial would actually be aired at the Superbowl and net the creators a cool million dollars. Needless to say, we did not win (I probably would have mentioned that in an earlier post).

We originally wanted to do something about a horse ranch populated by fonzies, beat poets and goth kids (The "Cool Ranch"? Get it?), but when we couldn't get our shit together fast enough, we went out to the park and shot this instead. It's just kind of okay, but in the interest of this website being a repository for everything we ever do, no matter how insignificant, here it is:

Swim, Swaim

Of all of the requests we get from fans, the most common by far is to never allow a shirtless picture of Michael Swaim to appear anywhere on the web. Well, guess what fuckers? You lose.

You're only a click away from my (hey, it's Michael by the way) much-anticipated appearance in FunnynotSlutty.com's first ever swimsuit edition! I'm near the bottom, right above the picture of Gladstone with a cross woven into his chest hair. Good luck purging THAT image from the old memory banks.

And yes, you may use my image as your desktop background. Thanks for asking.

wwwtf, by Czino

Just when I think there's no more bizarre ways left for the Muskets! brand to infiltrate society, someone emails me a link to their new industrial techno track, featuring a healthy number of vocal samples from The Time Traveler.

The song's called wwwtf, by authentic German guy Czino. Our work's never been darker or more danceable. Give it a listen on his page or by right-clicking and saving the link below.

This one right here.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 8!

Nothing sends you rocketing to the top of your profession like insulting the people who are already there! I give you the Top 5 Youtube Channels and my (frankly rude) commentary concerning each.

Dan Zembrosky

I met Dan Zembrosky when I joined the MQ, the satire paper where I first learned that the purpose of my life is to write. I soon came to recognize him as a kindred spirit; he romanticized the spit-balling and mugging of the writer’s room as much as I did; he too had found his direction in that tiny, noisy cubicle around the thick, ancient conference table.

Dan Zembrosky is the reason I carry around a little black notebook to write ideas in. I’ve never met anyone so full of ideas, and so in love with their ideas and with the ideas of others. He would open up that notebook and riff off hundreds of article premises, sketch ideas, concepts for sitcoms and movies and kids’ shows, and light up as if the characters and images were appearing in the air before his eyes. I had to have one of my own.



When Dan finished his first (genuinely funny, and well-structured, and human) screenplay, he sent it to me to read. I took it as a tremendous honor. In fact, Dan is one of only two people in the world whose opinions on my writing actually make me stop, and think, and rewrite, without questioning, without arguing. Not that there wasn’t arguing. With Dan I reached the depths of frustration and the heights of exalted creation.

And when Dan asked if I’d be interested in collaborating on a film, I jumped at the chance. It was my first serious filmmaking experience, and it was torture. Together we wrote ten drafts and filmed hours of footage in a rented on-campus soundstage filled with sod we had to haul into a futuristic apartment we nail gunned together ourselves out of sheets of plywood. It was such a wonderful, miserable experience I’ve been making films ever since.

And the killer is, we never did get that thing edited. Which is a fucking shame.



When I moved to Los Angeles, Dan was waiting for me with a writing job and a finely grilled steak. Again, I had the privilege of helping bring one of the escapees from his little black notebook to life. And when the pilot we wrote got ear-marked by the higher-ups for studio pitching a few weeks ago, I was thrilled to get a call from Dan asking if I wanted to come on board as a story editor if the show made it to air.

He was my editor. He was a colleague. He was a writer, a thinker, an idea man. He’d rather talk about a project than eat, something he proved to me over many unfinished Wahoo’s fish tacos. He was a kindred spirit. He was and always will be an influence. He was the life of the party; the size of his spirit was matched only by the size of his jewfro.



He was someone who made me want to write, to make comedy, to make film. He was someone who made me do the things I do, helped make me the person I hope I’ll be.

He was someone who made me laugh.

He was my friend.

He was 24.

Thank you for everything Dan. Thank you so much. Your little black notebook was still too full for this to happen. I love you.

Dayy-VID LETTERmannn!

My latest Cracked article is up here, and if you scroll to the bottom of it you can watch Madonna say "act the fool" a shocking number of times in a twenty-minute interview. Then, while you're pondering the implications of that, you can absent-mindedly click here, unwittingly Digging the article and ensuring my ultimate victory. Fools.

Mike LiveBlogs Innauguration Ceremony

Wanted to let you all know I (and my fellow Cracked columnists Dan O'Brien and Wayne Gladstone) will be blogging about the inauguration tomorrow AS IT OCCURS. This is known in the biz as "doing it live," a technique pioneered by pundit/possible goblin Bill O'Reilly. You can check it out here. All the action starts at 11:30 EST, which is 8:30 for us Westerners.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 7!

In honor of the inauguration, and the hope for change engendered by the election of Our Lord and Savior Barack Obama, I decided to make a Cracked TV episode figuring out ways to mock him. Apparently I just can't be pleased.

Mission: Wikomplished!

I just wanted to take a moment to send out a big thank you to Brent Donoughe, the intrepid Muskets! fan who answered the call and busted out a radical TAM! Wikipedia entry all over the Internet's face. Peruse it at your leisure, and, if you're so inclined, add information such as who is the handsomest Musket, and with whom you would most like to exchange letters of philosophical bent. It takes a village, so feel free to correct, edit, add, redact (Brent's word), what have you. In the meantime, we're going to sit back, relax, and enjoy some of that sweet, sweet Wikipedia money.

Thanks Brent! You're our official Superfriend of the millennium.

Hot Cartoon Action

If, like me, you despair for today's generation of sex-starved kids, then you might get a kick out of my latest article over at Cracked ranking the hottest women from 80's cartoons. And by "kick" I mean...you know, anything. I don't judge.

Superjail! Is Badass

I try to rarely express my own opinions on the site. Frankly, it's considered bad form, which is why comedians are so notoriously soft-spoken and affable. But I just became aware of the new [adult swim] show Superjail!, and I think you should all be aware of it too, for the following reasons:

1. It's the cartoon Tex Avery would be making if he were still making cartoons.

2. It's got some of the most lovingly-done animation in recent memory. The whole thing feels like an incredibly elaborate notebook doodle given glorious life.

3. The episodes are only like ten minutes long, so you can watch the whole first season (here) on your lunch break.

4. David Wain is the voice of The Warden. If you don't know who that is, get the fuck off of my website, then google him, then come back.

5. There are moments where it feels like a comic strip (complete with three-panel sight gags), moments where it feels like Loony Toons (complete with eyes bugging out and tounges wagging down to the floor) and moments where it feels like a bad acid trip (complete with laser time monsters, intestine-drenched combat robots, and a man and his pet bird eating a severed penis).

6. You need something to restore your faith in [adult swim] after the announcement that they're picking up King of the Hill for syndication.

7. I'm making it my official Recommendation Of The Day ®.

Watch it. Lemme know what you think. Or tell me I was an idiot for not seeing this earlier.

2012...Realistic Edition

Roland Emmerich's got another movie about the end of the world coming out, and like Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, it'll probably be a wild flight of fancy. Well, I'm sick of it, and I decided to bring the film back to a more relevant, pressing real-world issue. That's what I'm all about, after all...keepin' it reeeeeeeeeeeal.

THX 1247 Reviewed

2009 is looking to be an amazing year for movies, running a gauntlet of genre. The year has had a few seats revealed early at the Oscar table, including cowardly robots, has-been wrestlers, and of course, pyromaniac jokers. A late but welcome addition to the '09 family was "THX 1247."

Nothing can fully prepare us for the virtuoso direction of 1247. At its heart, it is a world threatened by the global extermination of the Millennium virus. With the trigger in the hands of a teenage overlord, our salvation lies in a skillful, patient spy (Michael Swaim), who is also teenaged. But don't let the stylized world scare you, this tipsy-turvy thrill ride catches every gasp with a rich soundtrack and the promise of unique characters that only a George Lucas homage could provide.

Once the directors have the audience completely enthralled by the two-man tension of the opening sequence, they place on-screen the drama of a floppy disc (a cinema verite meditation on the glorification of technology). Armed only with a few frames, StormDragon Productions put the film world on its feet in outrage. A cinematic gesture that could put a smile on face of even the harshest critics, though that's just the opinion of this fair-haired film reviewer.

At one point, the film provides what can only be called low-light magic, as the clear nod to Chris Carter doesn't fall short, at least for this hairy-chested fan.

By the end of the experience, you've felt the turmoil of a crime story from the inside out. Its predecessors (Goodfellas, Miller's Crossing) are left in admiration of the achievement of a film that is both academic and universal. I can't think of a better reason to pay the price of admission, but that's just me: a man who has chlamydia.

Written, directed, and starred by a virtuoso team of writer/producers, 1247 knows all its references. Instead of Lucas' lone wolf breaking out, Swaim rather ingeniously plays a man trying to get in. However, like the film with which the title comes, we learn a lesson too frequently ignored: these men are more than just numbers.

I think i speak for all moviegoers when I offer the following to these brilliant new comers, in their own debut's last words: we shall meet again. At least, they impressed me (I have oddly shaped balls).

Abe Epperson
Golden State Review

THX 1247 (The Shittiest Christmas Gift Ever)

This is the first (and worst) video I ever had a hand in. It stars a bunch of my High School friends and the fat version of me, and as much as I'd like to deny it, none of it is intended to be funny. The ridiculous title, horrendous dialogue, even the glaring editing gaffs are all things that seemed like a good idea to our acne-riddled brains.

If you can keep that in mind, I think you might enjoy watching this nearly half as much as I do. Watch it quick, before Youtube takes it down for its FLAGRANT copyright violations! Apologies in advance to Our Lady Peace and Moby.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 6!

The first few seconds of this episode may convince you that I am a popular political pundit featured on the Fox News Network. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Keep watching, and I'm sure you'll find some of that SWAIM charm buried just beneath the surface. Get digging.