Profiles in Excellence: Mitt Romney

I’m honestly surprised at the political apathy displayed by most of my family and friends. Of everyone I know, I was the only one who watched both of the first political debates. As such, I think I speak with a lot of authority when I say that Mitt Romney is the most handsome, and has a warm, smoky voice, which makes him easily the best candidate for President of these United States.

First of all, when the moderator—who could use some Botox if you ask me—asked the candidates what they thought about whether businesses should have the right to fire homosexuals, Mitt was the only one who smiled with the left side of his mouth and tossed his silver mane of hair like a preening lion.

Secondly, the name Mitt. Then thirdly, the name Romney.

Put that up against a Barack Obama or Denis Kucinich and see which one gets the respect of the free world. Mitts catch things, and Romney almost rhymes with ‘on me,’ which is where I want Mitt.

As for Hillary Clinton, who I hear is pulling ahead in the polls, are you kidding? This nation isn’t a lesbian, and even if it were, it wouldn’t go for a square-headed, bun-wearing, reverse-adulteress like her.

Mitt’s got a handle on the issues. He’s tall and he reminds us all of our father’s handsome friends. In the end, it’s that kind of deep moral center and unimpeachable character that’s going to see us through all the wars in the Midwest.

Mitt is handsome and because of that, I think it’s pretty fair to assume that he’s cultured, intelligent, friendly, strong and most of all, handsome. After all, so far all handsome people I’ve ever seen on television or magazine covers have been incredibly successful, and it’s only the uggos like Anna Nicole who ever go south.

As someone who actually cares about the election, I try and get my friends to look at pictures of Mitt Romney and the other candidates, but most of them insist on getting their opinions from purely written materials. One of my friends even listened to the debates on radio! How can you tell who is handsome doing that?

Yes, Mitt’s voice is enough to make me wet all over, but being a President is about more than that, and I think it’s irresponsible for voters not to at least google still images of the candidates to find out if they’re unknowingly voting for a hideous frogman like Mike Gravel.

So when you go to that booth and are casting your vote, remember: you’re going to have to look at this guy for the next six years. It’s six years, right?