June 25, 2007

Dear Lord, Look Out! Ten Reasons You Should be Curled Into a Fetal Ball at All Times (Part II)


From SARS to the Avian Flu to Ebola, pandemics are a constant menace to us and our Chinese counterparts. Mayan calendars predict a great plague will sweep across the face of the globe very, very soon, and Mayans know their shit. Maybe it’ll be engineered by the government to keep the black man down. Maybe a chemical spill will contaminate a small town’s drinking water. Maybe a mutated virus will cross-breed with a bacteria to make some kind of super disease that leaves you shooting blood out of your eyes every time you hiccup. Regardless, the solution is clear: leeches, leeches, and more leeches.

Your Only Hope: The continued wussiness of Mother Nature.

Appropriate Reaction: Curling into a fetal position in a tub of scalding water.

The Elderly

The elderly are on the verge of becoming the largest population segment in the country. That means higher Social Security costs, a higher number of retirees to support, and a sharp increase in the amount of old person smell in America’s public buildings. What’s more, people are going to be living longer and longer as medical technology improves. Imagine: a world where popular culture is defined by your grandparents’ taste, restaurants close at six p.m., and unnecessary turn signals blink as far as the eye can see. You know Grandpa’s boring story about the time he got a nickel off on a tin of pomade in 1956? That will replace 24.

Your Only Hope: Ever watch Logan’s Run?

Appropriate Reaction: Sucking up to our glorious and wise elders before it’s too late. Mayhap another WWII memorial is in order?


I know, they look small, but damn it if they’re not resourceful. Couple that can-do attitude with a population of a billion, an indomitable work ethic, and the ability to live on only white rice and uncooked squid brain, and you have a good idea of the threat China poses. Those Maoist Taoists have been generally pissy since the Mongolians busted through their wall, and it looks like America might be on the short list for a little Kung-Fu ass whooping in the near future. Our recommendation: Start getting used to bowing a lot and eating out of little paper boxes.

Your Only Hope: Ironically, a pandemic (see “Pandemics,” above).

Appropriate Reaction: Sticking an American flag on every possible surface, thereby “calling” them for the US.


You have to eat it to live, and yet every second food items yearn to lodge in your throat, release a deadly poison into your body, or, in the case of banana peels, cause you to slip in comical fashion. Heart Disease is the number one killer in America, and the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of one group. No, not the weak-minded consumers who crave constant caloric intake. No, not the food companies who lace their products with addictive substances and offer 68% more reconstituted bacon fat for only 39 cents extra. Rather, we should look to the food itself for the culprit. Pears, ham sandwiches, rack of lamb: they’re all just waiting for the opportunity to kill you and divide up your goods for their heathen rites.

Your Only Hope: Forced feeding of choice groups in order to reduce excess food stores. Note: this solution can also help to eliminate the elderly problem.

Appropriate Reaction: Anorexia nervosa.

Nuclear War

Okay, so it was a little more of a threat in the fifties. But full-scale nuclear war isn’t out of the question, and Russia’s been looking a little itchy lately. Besides that, you got North Korea and Pakistan to worry about. Yup, “the big one” isn’t really a question of “if,” it’s a question of “when.” And despite popular misconception, the lives of post-war survivors will not involve mutants, underground cities, and a lawless nomad society where only the strong survive. Rather, it’ll be a lot like Wyoming is now, but with more lesions and tumors, and about the same amount of waiting around to die.

Our Only Hope: A far-sighted and unified non-proliferation movement, or else a massive pre-emptive strike. Either one is good, really.

Appropriate Reaction: Watching Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome eighty-five times.

I hope this guide has helped you prepare for the inevitable and horrific death that awaits all of us. As for me, I’m writing this from an undisclosed location several miles below the surface of the Earth, so booyah suckers!

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