June 21, 2007

Dear Lord, Look Out! Ten Reasons You Should be Curled Into a Fetal Ball at All Times (Part I)

In this lethal world, it is utterly imperative that we recognize the dangers lurking all around us. Example: you could get eyestrain from reading this report, go blind, and wander into oncoming traffic. See? You’re never safe, ever. That’s why I decided to provide a guide to those impending threats that you have no way to guard against, those disasters-waiting-to-happen that dangle just over the heads of you and your children. Enjoy!


It killed the dinosaurs. You think you’re any better? Huh? Are you better than a dinosaur?! That’s what I figured. Meteors the size of Texas routinely whiz by Earth, with little or no regulation to keep them from crushing us beneath their fearsome mass. And here’s the scary part: scientists don’t know what the hell to do about it. There’s no laser grid, no trampoline, no nothing. Instead, NASA spends billions of your tax dollars on think-tanks so that scientists can sit around and quantify exactly how much we’d be fucked if a meteor struck. Current research indicates “a lot.” So bend over, grab your ankles, and prepare to take a giant rock up the pooper.

Your only hope: A plucky team of explosives-wielding astronauts, and Bruce Willis’ death.

Appropriate Reaction: Constantly searching the sky for signs of imminent doom.


Terrorism didn’t die with our glorious and utter defeat of The Evil Empire of Iraq. No, it lives on, in our own friends and neighbors. The clear remedy is constant vigilance, and the willingness to call the cops on anyone who you think “looks ethnic.” In fact, only a traitor would refuse to blow the whistle on possible terrorists, and so-called “human rights advocates” are probably building natural gas-powered bombs in their basements as you read this. So don’t be afraid to accuse. It’s called a witch-hunt, and it’s a proud American tradition. After all, you don’t want witches around, do you?

Your Only Hope: Blind, slavering obedience to all-mighty Bush, God-chosen and God-endorsed.

Appropriate Reaction: Performing a little “neighborhood watch” on the Korean family down the block.

Identity Theft

Online identity theft is a growing menace to anyone who surfs the net. Nice, God-fearing people like yourself can find themselves losing thousands of dollars a day, their credit ruined, and their private visits to chubbyhubby.com no longer quite so private. Much like the documentary film The Net, victims of identity theft may be forced to engage in poorly-written banter and battle hordes of professional assassins before they can reclaim control over their lives. They will take your face and wear it as their own. In extreme cases, victims of identity theft have even been known to attend family functions only to be greeted with, “Chet? Chet who? I don’t know any Chet.”

Your Only Hope: If you think your identity may be compromised, send The Specious your credit card information immediately for verification.

Appropriate Reaction: Loudly proclaiming your identity at all times.


They’re huge blocks of bloodthirsty metal hurtling down the freeway at ninety miles an hour and piloted by someone too stupid to work from home. And if they’re anything like me, they’re probably drunk. Pedestrians, the scooter-riding, those unfortunate enough to have spent a year’s salary on a Segue: all are susceptible to the threat posed by cars, or, as I call them, C.A.R.S.: Charging Assassins of Raw Steel. Sadly, Gary Newman’s Cars, a grim warning of the threat automobiles pose, goes unheeded to this day.

Your Only Hope: Purchasing a car so huge, so gas-guzzlingly unwieldy that you are guaranteed to survive anything short of a twelve-car pileup.

Appropriate Reaction: Keeping your hands at 11 and 3, for that extra bit of control.

Your Loved Ones

They know all about you, they live in your house, and they may be plotting to kill/blackmail/molest you right now. Nearly all violent crimes are committed against family members, loved ones, or sexual partners. The odds are, if you’re not the one plotting, someone else in the family is. So buy a gun, start hating your mother, and wait for the inevitable come-on from Uncle Jeff.

Your Only Hope: Getting to them before they can get to you.

Appropriate Reaction: Shitting your pants in fright, thus emotionally distancing your loved ones.

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