June 12, 2007

FedEx/Kinko's Employee Training Manual, Part II

If you have not yet read part one of this manual, please do so now, and dock yourself one hour of pay for trying to skip ahead. Thank you!


If your personal system of discouragement, obfuscation, and spy-caliber disguise mustaches fail to deter a customer, you may be faced with every employee’s biggest challenge: actually seeming to help a customer while still not doing so. The following tips will help you make the best of that four-letter word we call “work.”

We Have Paper?

In most cases, a customer will want a file of some sort printed out on paper. Don’t panic! FedEx/Kinko’s has got your back! Over the years, we have compiled a library of different paper options so massive and labyrinthine that no one person could ever hope to properly fathom it. By maintaining a staggering level of ignorance regarding your own wares and developing some basic improvisational skills, you too can stump a persistent customer with questions like “would you like that printed on the oversize grained goldenrod matt with the sateen finish, or the undergroomed canary sheetrock with the wicker stain?”

We Only Have BIG Paper

There is a reason we only offer print services on specialty paper in oversized units, and that reason is because if something’s not going to be the size of a billboard, it’s not worth our time. Feel free to show open disdain for people who want wallet-sized photos of their daughter printed on anything other than bathroom-quality paper towels. They deserve no better, and neither does their ugly daughter.

Prints Made While You Wait…and Wait

Try and give your customers optimistic estimates about when their order will be ready for pickup. No one wants to hear that it’s going to take four hours to get some prints, so if it is, just tell them it will be about forty-five minutes. They’ll appreciate your auspicious forecast. This is an especially successful tactic if you are not going to be on duty in forty-five minutes.

Time is Money

Remember, our internet-ready computer stations charge by the minute, so feel free to load them up with spyware, adware, and/or pornography you don’t feel comfortable keeping on your own computer. This will help maximize FedEx/Kinko’s profit by slowing our machines down to a healthy, molasses-grade crawl.

There’s no Such Thing as a Free Paperclip

We offer “complimentary” office supplies to our customers as a way to edge out our competition. However, tape doesn’t grow on trees (at least not until FedEx/Kinko’s R&D unveils their new tree-tape hybrid), so help us save precious strips of adhesive plastic and bent metal fasteners by discouraging their use wherever possible. If a customer is fastening a sheaf of papers less than a few inches thick, politely suggest that they simply fold the corners over, or purchase a FedEx/Kinko’s Professional Plastic Binder© for only $39.99.

Liars and Thieves

A recent study found that most people are despicable frauds, and in the case of customers trying to return “incorrect” or “badly damaged” print jobs, keep that fact in mind. Eye the would-be corporate pickpocket suspiciously, and if his or her photos are in fact damaged, distorted, or printed at the wrong size, pointedly insist that he or she “must have asked for that, since that’s what’s on the order form.” If they are persistent in their attempt to extort free prints out of the company, simply direct them to our “Customer Service Area” out behind the shed, and the FedEx/Kinko’s loss prevention team will take care of the rest.


Using our space-age suite of photographic enhancement software, FedEx/Kinko’s employees who have been properly trained in the art of reality bending are able to alter time and space itself to shape worlds, sunder civilizations, and reduce redeye up to eighty percent.

Unfortunately, due to some recent lawsuits by SEARS photo studio, the number of photographic styles we are allowed to reproduce has been somewhat limited. Nevertheless, remember to suggest one of our own proprietary FedEx/Kinko’s special photographic enhancements to each and every customer, no matter how inappropriate the effect may be for their business presentation, wedding photo, or scientific thesis. Below is a handy guide to some common photographic styles we no longer offer, and their new, improved alternatives.

BREAKS: Take Them Whenever

Seriously, dude, it’s all cool. No worries here bra. Take that shit. Fifteen minutes? Hell no, go twenty. See if I give a fuck. My dad owns the franchise anyway, so it’s like…cha.

This concludes your FedEx/Kinko’s training! Congratulations! You are now qualified to turn what most would consider a simple task into a horrifying ordeal.

Also, you can run all of the big machines behind the counter. We used to have a pamphlet explaining how those work, but a guy burned them and we can’t figure out how to print more, so uh…I don’t know, just mess around with them I guess. You’ll figure it out.


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