July 26, 2007
So you say you’ve saved up all year, and it’s time to take the family on vacation. Unfortunately, with so many getaway spots competing for your time and money, it’s hard to know where to go. That’s why I decided to write this totally objective and unbiased guide to SeaWorld San Diego. Is SeaWorld right for your family? Let me answer that with another question: do you hate your children and want them to be maimed or killed by sea mammals?
If so, and assuming Disneyland, Universal Studios, Six Flags, Knott’s Berry Farm, Wild Rivers and the local whorehouse have all burned down, you can’t do much better than the home of Shamu, the filthy, man-eating Orca. Did you know an Orca is also called a killer whale? Did you further know that their jaws are capable of snapping a man’s hands off like baby carrots? Read on for even more unbiased and objective tips about getting the most from your visit to the overpriced, deadly hellhole that is SeaWorld.
First thing you should know is, get there early. The parking situation is hopeless; people sometimes park so far from the front gate that by the time they get there, the park is closed. Then, on the way back, they have to deal with the roving street gangs. And being stabbed to death in front of your screaming children takes almost all the fun out of paying 65 dollars to get splashed with filthy animal water.
Oh, that’s another thing: you WILL get wet. If the animals don’t splash or spray you with tank water—essentially a soup comprised of one part water and one part seal urine—then one of the park’s employees will get the job done. You’ve never seen the kind of fetishistic pleasure a pimply SeaWorld employee takes in soaking your white shirt through to the skin. They have spray cans, misters, saliva; ANYTHING to assure your unfortunately oversized nipples are staring, brown and unsightly, at every attractive woman you pass for the rest of the day.
This, of course, is assuming you get through the front gate. They have hand sensors that scan your palm print in order to determine your identity. Unfortunately for some of us whose hands are otherwise engaged, this means even getting in is a big hassle. Not to mention the taunting knobs and levers you will encounter once inside, or the fact that none of the concessions are modified so as to be eaten by the handless. So if you’re manually disabled, it’s probably best to just head home and masturbate by rubbing yourself against the couch.
For those lucky enough to have all their limbs, be sure NOT to check out the dolphin exhibit. Manta rays are tolerable, but dolphins are, to be honest, pretty goddamned snooty. Sea lions and seals are basically the same thing, so just see one of them. Ditto otters. Flamingos, it’s like who gives a fuck? And then the rest is just overpriced spinning lights and ice cream bars that cost nine bucks because they’re shaped like a whale.
Also, and I don’t know if this is a part of the show or anything, but when I was there, Shamu bit someone’s fucking hands off. And believe me, no amount of settlement money spent on developing an inconspicuous whale poison will ever make you feel whole again.
Well, I think that’s basically all you need to know, and my nubs are getting raw from continuously mashing the keyboard. I hope you enjoyed this totally objective guide to Sea “Shamu is a monster and should be put down” World.
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