July 19, 2007

The IT Department's Guide to Troubleshooting your PC

The IT Department has been flooded with calls since the company switched to Windows Vista, and in order to lessen the overwhelming traffic of tech support inquiries, they ask that all employees try the following troubleshooting techniques before contacting IT.

Problem: My computer won't start up!

1. Check to make sure that the computer is plugged in. If it isn't, plug it in and mention this embarrassment to no one.
2. Using one hand, hold down control+tab+shift+7+M as the computer starts up. If you are able to do this, you should consider taking up the piano.
3. Jiggle all cables. Lightly hit CPU and/or monitor. Mutter “come on, come on.”
4. If applicable, take your penis out of the CD tray and reboot.

Problem: My computer keeps crashing!

1. Restart your PC. Once it is on, uninstall Windows Vista.
2. If problem persists, try making the CD-tray go out and in a bunch of times.
3. If your PC still crashes, attempt to appropriate an adjacent cubicle while a neighboring employee is in the bathroom. When he or she returns, pretend to have assumed their identity in their absence. Live their life, go home to their family, and enjoy their perfectly working computer.

Problem: I poured an entire can of Arizona Iced Tea over my keyboard and CPU!

1. See below problem.
2. Purchase a Macintosh.

Problem: I'm a total fucking moron!

1. Read the manual. Whenever you feel confused, grunt absentmindedly and raise your hand until someone asks what the problem is.
2. Take a series of general education night courses at your local community college.
3. Purchase “smart pills,” available from Greg in the IT Department for only $50 a bottle.

Problem: An error of type “ROTFLBBQ!!11!1!404loln00b!” has occurred!

1. Your computer has likely been infiltrated by hackers, or you have downloaded a virus. If you recently installed any new software, uninstall it immediately.
2. Delete all files on your computer, and shoot the CPU with a carbine rifle loaded with silver bullets.
3. Confess your impurity to an ordained priest.
4. Learn to compute with paper and pen or, failing that, an abacus.

Problem: My mouse is an actual mouse!

1. Let go of the mouse, and do not attempt to interact with the computer using it. Hide all cheese.
2. Locate your computer mouse, and use it to bludgeon the real mouse into a stupor.
3. Tend to mouse bite-wounds.
4. Put in for a transfer to a non rat-infested area of the building.

Problem: I am facing away from my computer!

1. Rotate in your fancy office chair, and thank God that you don't have to sit in spine-curling, wooden-backed chairs like the under appreciated IT Staff.
2. Fumble around the bottom of your chair until you find the air release valve. Pull up and pretend you are in a rocket chair as you are lowered to the appropriate height.

Problem: My computer logs it in the database when I look at porn on my lunch break!

1. Purge your search history as soon as you've finished masturbating.
2. Run a search in the company database for any sex-related terms you may have used, and delete the related entries.
3. In the future, restrict your at-work masturbatory practice to fantasies about co-workers or articles of clothing stolen off of the backs of chairs and/or the tops of desks.

Problem: My computer makes annoying beeping noises!

1. Your computer is most likely signaling the beginning of the robot uprising. Contact local authorities immediately and prepare for a hellish battle against a race of soulless killing machines.
2. Don't bother contacting the IT Department, as those who have not defected are already dead.

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