Sleep Deprivation: The Sport of Kings

Final Exams, as I gather from my roommate’s sudden and welcome absence in the living room, are upon us. Naturally, as the world’s first billionaire comedy blogger, I take little notice of tests. In fact, I only keep a roommate as a sort of life insurance; should kidnappers ever single me out as prey, the roommate, whom I have slowly fashioned into a perfect likeness of myself in his sleep, should serve quite nicely in my stead.


My roommate. Myself. I defy you to differentiate between the two.

As far as Final Exams go, most of my professors have become accustomed to my tradition of showing up to the final period in a bathrobe with a glazed ham under one arm and blitzed on Mike’s Hard Lemonade, if I show up at all. On one occasion, I simply sent my manservant with a note on a silver platter reading “Pass” and garnished with thousand-dollar bills.

Nevertheless, I remember my own days of destitution, long months ago, before my blog was named Single Greatest Thing by Time Magazine and my fortunes were made (September, 2006; look for the issue with me on the cover being fellated by Anne Coulter). I, too, know what it means to stay up all night attempting to cram so many facts into my head that hopefully some of them will ooze out onto the paper come exam time. Naturally, I have a few tips and tricks for those spending this week locked in the library, sequestered in a study room, or devouring the brains of scientists in hopes of absorbing their knowledge (Hint #1: the best knowledge is in the cerebral cortex).

Tools For The Crammer

The following toolkit represents the most essential articles for anyone planning on burning the midnight oil. Also, I should have added ‘midnight oil*’ and ‘matches,’ but am too lazy to add more HTML tags and lengthen the list. Please print the list and write these in yourself.

• All relevant and extant texts, scrolls, study guides, and Sumerian tablets
  
• One standard Sumerian-Japanese Dictionary
  
• One Japanese translator and Japanese translator carrying caddy (air holes please!)
  
• Gum
  
• A little rubber finger cover to help you turn pages (without one, you risk the raw, chapped fingertips and soggy page-corners of the Repetitive Turning Disorder victim)
  
• One bat, wiffle
  
• A study space free from any unnecessary distractions, such as strobing or colored lights, pony kegs, and/or a stable of bootylicious mamas all wantin’ ta get up on this.
  
• High lighters of no less than sixteen colors.
  
• Interestingly enough, no paper or pens.
  
• Something to spit the gum into after you’ve chewed it (If your backpack is getting full, your Translator’s hair works nicely)

*As of this writing, Midnight Oil can still only be obtained in the Sepulchre of Sarastro, and is said to be guarded by the raging spirit of the ancient God himself.

Staying Awake

The primary challenge for a student preparing for finals is managing to stay awake long enough to counteract the hours spent sleeping in lecture. As we all know, the mere act of being up for 72 hours prior to a test will appease the council of Professors, and grant you the ability to identify at least two of four multiple choice bubbles as definitely incorrect.

Energy Drinks

I won’t feign any sort of brand loyalty here. Energy drinks--aside from delicious, delicious Red Bull® (“Red Bull Gives You Wings!”)—are all basically offering the same service. For example, take the following transcript of a radio spot for new energy drink Hyper, in which a plucky new beverage (voiced by TV’s Brad Garrett) addresses a naïve consumer (Sir Ian Mckellan).

ENERGY DRINK: You there, with the cognizance.
CONSUMER: Who, me?
ENERGY DRINK: Yes you! How would you like to trade those normally firing synapses for a bunch of super juice that will make you badass, well-liked, and able to lift impressively large objects while deep-voiced men narrate your actions?
CONSUMER: I’m not sure. Are there any side effects?
ENERGY DRINK: That depends. You queer?
CONSUMER: What? No!
ENERGY DRINK: Then drink me!
CONSUMER: Fine!
ENERGY DRINK: Oh yes, drink it all down. God, it feels so good. It’s like a whole new world I never knew. Oh, I should probably tell you, I contain Taurine.
CONSUMER: What’s Taurine, animate can of beverage?
ENERGY DRINK: Grated bull testicle.
CONSUMER: Virile, energetic silence.
ANNOUNCER: Hyper: It punches you in the face with extreme!
The radio playing the advertisement then explodes.

If it is not by now abundantly clear, I wholly endorse the use of energy drinks for staying awake all night. In fact, for those who need a little extra pick-me-up, try my very own “Energy Drink,” the Phen-Phenomenal: one part Surge Cola hoarded since the late Nineties, one part AMP, and a liberal handful of Phen-Phen capsules muddled at the bottom of a highball glass and served on the rocks (of crack, preferably).

Natural Alternatives

Staying up late is difficult, and doing so unaided by miracle chemicals is even harder. However, there are certain stimulants that can help crammers log more hours.

Pain is one of the body’s natural alerting devices, so study with a friend and take turns jabbing each other in the ribs with metal rulers or kicking one another continuously under the table for hours on end.

If you’re a pussy or a quadriplegic, then fear can work just as well as pain; try your hand (or robotic manipulating arm) at a solo game of Russian Roulette and then see if you feel like falling asleep. Fire once every time you feel sleepy, and if you get through five, reward yourself with a spin of the barrel.

Safety Precautions

Keep the following hazards in mind when burning the candle at both ends. Also, please add ‘double-ended candle’ to the toolkit list.

• Campus libraries during finals week are just big repositories for inconsiderate dicks. Use your wiffle bat to show a few college boys who’s boss.
  
• There is a natural limit to the number of pneumonic devices the human mind can retain. Go over your limit, and irreversible brain damage is not only likely, but a sweet release from the screeching of nonsensical acronyms playing forever in the ruins of your tortured mind.
  
• Nothing helps you tackle those sleep-deprivation shakes like some fourth-can-of-Red Bull shakes.
  
• The glory of the dawn is impossible to enjoy when your eyes are bleeding from staring at a computer screen. Take regular eye wash breaks.
  
• Laptop thieves are rampant. Take your laptop with you everywhere, especially into the bathroom. In fact, to be safe, you’re probably best off just moving your whole study effort into the handicapped stall. Use the diaper change station as a desk, and if anyone tries to get you to leave, show them the business end of your wiffle bat.
  
• Don’t study any of the philosophies. They are dangerous lies.
  
• Always wear disposable gloves when showing someone the business end of your wiffle bat.

Things You Will Believe as Time Progresses

HOUR 16: A bed is worth between three and six vaginas.

HOUR 22: Old Kids in the Hall sketches on YouTube are hilarious.

HOUR 24: Old Will Ferrell sketches on YouTube are hilarious.

HOUR 27: Old Bill Engvall stand up videos on YouTube are hilarious.

HOUR 39: Faces of Death videos you stumbled upon while looking for free porn are disturbingly hilarious.

HOUR 51: Sleep deprivation may not actually help you pass finals, but it will make you hallucinate that you did, and that’s just as good.

HOUR 60: Hallucinations of giant spiders that call your name as they clatter their immense jaws are not just as good.

HOUR 65: X3: The Last Stand had some weaknesses, yes, but in all it was just as engaging as the first two movies. Three and a half stars.

HOUR 68: No one has ever been as miserable as you, ever, not even torture victims.

HOUR 84: Fish ran burgers to purple truck mats upside February twelve rainbows.

HOUR 109: The final exam itself may have actually been several days ago, but that doesn’t matter anymore. Not for an elite agent of A.W.A.K.E. like you (you’d try and remember that acronym, but you fear you’re nearing your pneumonic device limit). Only when the Crystal Orbs of Rule have been returned to the Chaos Queen can you truly rest.