Notes to Chris Watts, Visual Effects Supervisor of 300

Chris, Just had the first Producers’ screening, and the movie’s looking great. Wanted to shoot you some quick notes on visual effects changes. Take care of this stuff, and I think we’re good to go.

• Some of the slow motion shots just aren’t slow enough. You know the shot where one of the soldiers leaps at the enemy soldier in front of a yellow sun? Is there any way that can be between 7 and 9 minutes?
  
  
• The Oracle sequence looks great, and the floating silk effects came out really nicely, so I think if you just up that cup size like we were talking about, we should be good.
  
  
• At a screening for the producers, someone noticed that during the climactic battle scene, there are actually only 299 warriors in frame. Please construct a 300th cg warrior and place him into every scene of the movie. Also, please cgi some sequences giving the character’s background, and possibly some sort of poignant death scene. Failing that, please cgi a sequence early in the movie where the 300th warrior dies of an unrelated cause (falls on own spear? Smothered by giant bosoms while making love to Oracle? Just thinking out loud here).
  
  
• More voiceover.
  
  
• In the interest of staying true to the comic, please remove roughly 80% of the dialogue currently in place and edit the movie down to 20 minutes.
  
  
• I’m just throwing this out there, but there isn’t any sort of acting modulation bar is there? Because we noticed a scene where the Spartan King isn’t screaming his lines, and it feels kind of flat.
  
  
• Frank noticed that one of the intimate dialogue sequences looks pretty natural (watch it again, you’ll see the one). Try putting some color filters or blurs on it, or maybe add a cg element (Persian soldier mounted on an elephant seems good. Don’t disrupt the scene though, just have him there).
  
  
• Frank has asked there be more blood.
  
  
• Do they really have to wear those red capes all the time? Someone at the screening mentioned the word “faggy,” and I kind of have to agree. What if you added some spikes on them? Or better yet, capes of fire?
  
  
• Please make the 300th cg soldier look like Michael Madsen. We’ve already gotten clearance from legal.
  
  
• It seems kind of unrealistic that only 300 soldiers could fare so well in battle given the odds. Maybe give a few Spartans machine guns, just to make it believable.
  
  
• More overwrought pseudo-opera and quasi-techno.
  
  
• After a lot of consideration, the Director has changed his mind about the constant star wipes. Just change them all to regular cuts.
  
  
• I just noticed in that lesbian make-out scene, one of the chick’s faces is all messed up. That’s really gross. Can we do something about that? Also, same deal as the Spartan Queen about the cup sizes, but keep these girls' a little smaller, to show that the Queen is a more powerful female figure.

Our historical consultant also pointed out a few inconsistancies:

• Please translate the movie’s audio track into ancient Greek and/or Persian where appropriate.
  
  
• Second, try and imply some sort of justification for the trolls in the Persian army. Spontaneous gigantism? Black magic? Tard strength? We don’t really have anything here, so go crazy.
  
  
• Lastly, please make all the Spartan characters engage in pederasty at some point (background action is fine).