July 13, 2006

A Man From the 1920’s Explains to His Girlfriend Why He Didn’t Come Home Last Night

Ah, applesauce, baby! Don’t high-hat me, here! Cantcha see I been framed? This bum’s rush yer givin’ me is all wet. Don’t take any wooden nickels doll, I’m beggin’ ya! Tune in, and I’ll give you the up and up, honest injun!

You remember last night, I got my wiggle on down to the gin mill ta pick up the giggle juice? Well, I ain’t there but two minutes when some flapper dame hits me with a “hey buddy, cash or check?”

Natch, I ain’t goin’ fer that line, so I tell her I got a doll with great gams and a heart a’ gold waitin’ for me ta middle aisle her back at home. No sooner do I shake this broad than a coupla big sixers sidle up and want I should explain why I’m gabbin’ with the boss’ moll. You follow me? The Big Cheese himself!

Now these guys was real hoods, babe, gimme the heebie-jeebies. I mean they was a coupla hard-boiled lugs with nobody home, probably flat tires too, if’n ya catch my drift. An’ further, they was givin’ me this line about you, like you ain’t all jake or whatnot, you know, just beatin’ their gums. I got a little hot under the collar, wantin’ ta defend your honor and all. So instead a’ reasonin’ with these mugs like I know I shoulda—I’ll cop to havin’ a little edge, babe, maybe I mighta even been a tad spifflicated—I haul off and wallop the big one right in the kisser! No sooner does this palooka taste floorboard than the other one pulls a shiv on me!

Now I’m startin’ ta realize what a pushover I been; this is some kinda con I walked inta, right? This guy could be a torpedo for all I know! When the dust settles, I got me a coupla shiners and the sheik with the shiv is out for the count! Don’t ask me how I did it honeycakes. All I was thinkin’ of was how I hadda carry a torch for ya, you bein’ so keen and all. Sooner’n you can say hotsy-totsy I was bookin’ it for home, but I didn’t get three steps before some bimbo in a hayburner cuts off a bellbottom in a jalopy—a flivver, if I remember—and tries to make a fall guy outta me! Take me fer a ride, ya understand?

This boy’s in his glad rags, and I’m thinkin’ “ah, horsefeathers,” right? I ain’t even got enough clams to buy the sucker off, just some hair of the dog and a nifty gal waitin’ for me at home. But before I know what’s what, he says he’s a dick! You believe that?! He’s pinchin’ me! Not fer the struggle buggy rough stuff, but fer the moonshine no less! See, in all the hubbub, I plain forgot and left the barkeep holding the bag! Some rube I am, right?

And that’s where I been, bearcat. They jammed me in a jitney and trucked me to the tank like a regular fish. I got sprung this mornin’ an’ came right over. They even let me keep the dead soldier, if you can buy that baloney.

No, I ain’t too balled up, just lost my cheaters in the scuffle. If you could butt me, baby doll, that’d be the bee’s knees. My dogs are barkin’ an’ it’s been a long night even fer an owl like me. You know I think you’re the berries, dontcha? The cat’s pajamas! The cat’s meow! I’m goofy for ya! I ain’t no drugstore cowboy out on the lam or some ossified hoofer guzzlin’ java in a bull session. I’m true blue, ready for the handcuffs, on the level.

Now if I could use yer John, I got somethin’ comin’ up and I ain’t sure if it’s a Bronx cheer or upchuck.

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