July 10, 2006

Behind Blue Eyes: A Pedophile’s Secret Confession

As you may have heard (considering it’s very old news), Pete Townshend of the Who was arrested on kiddie porn charges in 2003.

Who, this guy? With that sad clown-like face? Yes, in fact. And even though police never found any actual illicit images on his computers, and ultimately dropped the charges after Townshend claimed that he was only doing research for a 6-page paper on the widespread availability of child pornography on the internet, I think we can all agree on one thing:


You demand further evidence? Bam!

If that’s not the face of a pedophile, I’m not involved in a covert game of cat and mouse with a deadly international vixen. Hint: I am. Still not convinced? Socko!

I can’t read Japanese per se, but I have it on good authority that this is a picture of Townshend marketing some sort of electronic molesting device called the Super Lolita Happy Fun Sex Machine 3000. See that button in the middle? That’s the one you press when you want to molest them.

As if all that weren’t enough, check out the quote Townshend comes up with when accused of accessing kiddie porn. Rather than condemning it like any rational person trying to weasel out of a child-molestation charge, he instead describes the easy availability of online child porn as being “laid out like a free line of cocaine at a decadent cocktail party: only the strong willed or terminally uncurious can resist."

That’s like saying, “no, I’m not a pedophile. But, if I were, could you blame me? Kids are hot! In fact, not lusting after them is the freakish thing. Like magnificent cocaine they are, only twice as addicting and way easier to smuggle through customs.” Peter Townshend, you make me sick.

For Pete Townshend, this picture is like a swimsuit calendar, wrapped in a *Playboy Magazine,* being delivered by a naked child.

The final and most damning piece of evidence, however, comes from a “liberal” or, some would say “awesome” interpretation of the lyrics to the Who’s monumental smash hit “Behind Blue Eyes.” Let me guide you through such an interpretation, and you will witness the thinly veiled confession of a man tortured by his own dark urges.

The Annotated *Behind Blue Eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man

Bad man? Why, what could you mean Pete? Like a man who hugs his nephew just a little too long at the family reunion? That kind of bad?

To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

Wait a minute, I just thought of something! Don’t you have blue eyes, Pete? Huh. Funny, that.

No one knows what it's like
To be hated

Despite popular opinion, pedophiles are not universally beloved. They are, in fact, as Mr. Townshend has so studiously observed, hated.

To be fated
To telling only lies

Here Townshend bemoans his eternal lot in life; to lust after children in a society that condemns such love, and to thereby be forced into an existence based only on deception. He probably wrote this line while lying awake at night after having awkward, uncomfortable sex with his wife that ended in him mistakenly crying out the name of the 8-year-old girl they sometimes see at the grocery store.

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

Townshend is begging for forgiveness, begging the unkind God that made him this way to admit that he has worth, that he is not an evil man. Unfortunately, no such forgiveness is forthcoming, you sick, sick bastard.

I have hours, only lonely

Read: “Without little boys running their glorious pre-pubescent hands over my torso.”

My love is vengeance
That's never free

I’m not really sure what that part means, but it makes me want to vomit, that’s for sure.

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do

Sure they do, Pete. They’re called NAMBLA, and I hear their taking applications for new members!

And I blame you

Who, me? Look, there’s no need for personal attacks, you filthy degenerate.

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

This part doesn’t support my theory. I’m pretty sure Entwhistle wrote it.

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

Yeah, thanks, we got it. You’re a pedophile. No need to repeat yourself.

When my fist clenches, crack it open

…and slip your tiny penis inside

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

Here’s some bad news: You will never, ever achieve your sexual fantasy of swimming naked through a Scrooge McDuck-style vault filled to the brim with the buttocks of Haley Joel Osmond

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat

Eww, no way. I don’t want boy-sperm on me.

If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

Look at him. His carnal desire for all of our beloved children is so intense he is literally shaking with lechery. He needs a coat just to hide his throbbing erection, preferably a long yellow trench coat he can use to flash kids at the park.

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

Truly sickening stuff. Thank God a wholesome, musical innovator like Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst created a version of the song that we can all admire.

Meanwhile, Townhend’s music continues to be a veritable quagmire of unholy desires. Just look at some of his song titles, selectively edited for further credibility:

The Kids Are All Right (Self-explanatory)

I Need You (to not tell anyone about this, okay? Not even mom.)

A Quick One While He’s Away (“He” most likely referring to the boy’s father)

I’m Happy to have you Jack me off in a truck stop bathroom, underaged lover

Our Love Was (considered appropriate in Roman culture)

Someone’s Coming (and I think it’s me. All over your face. Little girl. I’m a pedophile.)

Fiddle About (Even more self-explanatory)

Let My Love Open the Door (On unconventional sexual relationships)

Stop Hurting People (Who merely want to make love to minors. I mean, come on, what harm can it do, really?)

A lot, Peter Townshend of the Who, that's how much. A lot. Shame on you.


1 comment:

  1. This song could be just as easily interpreted as him singing about the abuse HE suffered...it's thoughtless self righteous creeps like you that foul the internet with ignorance and spread ugliness and hatred. Your interpretations are ridiculous and slanderous.


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