May 17, 2007

Sneak Preview: 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes

A spinoff of epic proportions, an experiment in thrillology, or simply the greatest hour of TV you have ever experienced? Producers of the new show 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes promise it will be all this and more.

The first nine-hour portion of the miniseries premiere is set to be simulcast in seven languages as well as on the web in the coming months, and TV viewers the world over are abuzz with anticipation.

Combining gritty, counter-terrorist action, chilling supernatural mysteries, sweeping space opera and adorable Asians with bizarre powers, 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes may just be the last thing you ever need to watch.

Shot entirely in real time, the action of the series follows an ensemble cast of government-trained spacefaring mutant heroes who, after a prolonged battle with robot terrorist forces are forced to crash land on a mysterious island planet, where they encounter slow, prolonged mystery, soap opera-like dialogue, and the smoldering intensity of no less than three Jack Bauers.

Where did this trio of evil Bauers come from? Are they clones? Cylons? Will the one good Bauer, telekinetic as he now is, be smolderingly gritty enough to stand in their way? Only a mysterious race called “the others” hold the answer, and only Commander Amada and her newfound indestructibility can lead the ragtag team of surviving heroes to the final showdown.

In the premiere season, the survivors will struggle to understand and control their new powers in a desperate attempt to escape the island and warn the citizens of Los Angeles that a Cylon chemical bomb, planted during the opening credits, is going to detonate in just under 24 hours. To make matters worse, one member of the team is a double agent! Producers also promise split-screen, polar bears, the ability of the audience to vote off one character each episode, a brief Spider-Man cameo early in the second season, and the voice talent of Whoopi Goldberg as “Blackie, The Floating Orb.”

Principal Characters

The series will follow a number of developing story lines, but the action centers primarily around the crew of the crashed Battlestar Galactica and their quest to quell Cylon terrorist activity throughout the galaxy.

Commander Claire Amada—Commander Amada, an aging, leathery latino cheerleader, leads the crew of the Galactica on their missions. Often affectionately called “the old man,” Amada divides her attentions between hunting down the secrets of the island and perfecting her full extension pike leap.
Powers: Indestructibility, aplomb.

Dr. Jack “Jack” Bauer—A simple space doctor and counter-terrorism specialist, Dr. Bauer wanted nothing more than to hitch a ride home from his alcoholic father’s burial at sun, but soon became entangled in the lives of the Galactica crew and the fate of all Los Angeles when his rogue status brought the Cylon’s wrath down upon the ship.
Powers: Smoky voice causes instant orgasms.

President Laura Palmer—The bastard child of assassinated US President David Palmer and Galactic President Laura Roslin, President Palmer only appears in a single scene of the series premiere, in which her corpse is found in the small town of Twin Peaks, Minnesota. The action then continues on the island, leaving many to question when and even if her character will ever affect the course of the series.
Power: Incites mandatory flashbacks.

Hurley Number Six—A Cylon infiltrator, Hurley Number Six is a new breed of robot with the ability to perfectly mimic any human form. Why he chose the form of an enormous, flatulent asshat is one of the more puzzling mysteries of the series.
Powers: Comic relief, inertia.

Chloe O’Nakamura—A government-trained computer expert, Chloe works closely with Jack to help glean information about the others, the Cylons, and the terrorists, who may or may not be others and/or Cylons. Tragically, the fact that she speaks only Japanese renders her incapable of sharing any of the secrets she discovers with the rest of the crew.
Powers: Incredibly pinched face, is Japanese.

John Locke— an English philosopher of the 17th century, Locke is regarded as the first of the British Empiricists. In social contract theory, he developed an alternative to the Hobbesian state of nature and argued that government was only legitimate if it received the consent of the people and protected natural rights of life, liberty, and property.
Powers: Pamphleteering, time travel (one assumes).

Sayid Sylar Mendez—One of the crew’s shadier characters, Sayid’s Iraqi citizenship makes for much contention between he and Dr. Bauer. Add to that the fact that he kills other crew members to absorb their powers, and that he routinely paints large portraits of himself eating each victim’s brain, then hangs them throughout the Galactica, and it seems only a matter of time before the other heroes are forced to investigate where Sayid’s true allegiances lie.
Powers: Mediocre painter of future events, eats brains.

Clip From Series Premiere

The following is a rare treat: a page from the shooting script of the miniseries premiere event, entitled 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes, Chapter I: The Journey Home (8:00am-9:00am), Part 1 of 3. This scene features Commander Amada and Dr. Bauer uncovering Hurley Number Six’s terrible secret, with a little help from their computer expert Chloe.


While Commander Amada reaches for the hatch inscribed “NOT the DHARMA Initiative,” Hurley’s face registers a flash of fear.

He reaches into his coat, grasping the detonator, and pushes the button.

Dr. Bauer, seeing Hurley’s hand, leaps for him, his lab coat fluttering in the ice-chilled air.

BAUER: Noooooo!

Bauer’s voice causes Hurley to orgasm violently, but the distraction comes too late. The entire igloo is destroyed by the explosion.

Fire curves around Amada’s leathery, indestructible cheerleader body, but Bauer is blown out of the igloo and into:


Bauer slams against the back window of the bus. Outside, scenery rips by as the bus continues its unchecked hurtle towards the volcano mouth. Ice shards from the destroyed igloo litter the aisles.

BAUER: Dammit Chloe! Have you hacked the system yet?!

Chloe O’Nakamura is sitting in the driver’s seat, laptop computer linked to the bus’ front console. She works furiously.

Meanwhile, Amada, still dizzy from the explosion, reels towards Hurley, who is surprisingly unharmed. Adama grabs him by the filthy shirtfront and pushes him against a seat.

AMADA: Curse you, Hurley! What have you done? That hatch led to the answers we seek!

HURLEY: Stopped you from interfering in our plans, old man.

This close, Adama finally notices the fact that Hurley’s eyes are actually webcam lenses. She gasps and falls back.

AMADA: A—a Cylon!

Hurley breaks Amada’s grasp and lifts her up with one arm.

Suddenly, Chloe’s laptop flashes green. She yells to Bauer at the back of the bus, her Hello Kitty backpack jostling as she makes the peace sign with one hand and covers her smiling mouth with the other.

CHLOE: Yatta!

Bauer gives her the thumbs up. Chloe hits the spacebar of her computer and the bus’ defense systems spring to life.

Hurley is reared back, ready to punch Amada’s leathery, yet girlish face. But just before he can deliver the blow…


Wow. Exciting stuff. We hope you’ve enjoyed this sneak peak at 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes, and that you’ll tune in slavishly for every insignificant and plot-elongating episode no matter how insubstantial the story line gets or how much of your precious life you drain away stationary in front of a box of photons.

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