May 28, 2007

Hallelujah, Shark Jesus is Risen!

Yes, brothers and sisters, though we have waited long, at last our prayers are answered. In a humble shark tank in Nebraska, much like the manger where He was first born—if instead of a manger it had been a glass enclosure filled with water and sharks—our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has come to us by way of virgin birth. Also, in shark form. May His cartilaginous skeleton be praised!

Some may question the wisdom of our Lord for descending from Heaven only to don the rubbery flesh of a Hammerhead Shark, a creature that lacks the ability to speak, apply for Federal Housing subsidies, or operate non-salloon-style doors. But they should not, for they will be the first to be eaten come the End Times. Clearly, this body suits His purposes well, and one can only begin to list the reasons that a shark body is the most apt vessel for the Holy Spirit:

  • Sharks can never stop moving, or they die. This will encourage the Lord never to rest, but to remain constantly on the lookout for sinners. Delicious, delicious sinners.

  • The Hammerhead has eyes on either side of its head. All the better to view His people!

  • You know what’s more impressive than a man in sandals walking on water? A SHARK walking on water.

  • As a shark, Jesus is already guaranteed at least a week of national airtime once a year by the Discovery Channel.

  • A shark’s liver can constitute up to a quarter of its body mass. As someone whose blood is wine, Jesus can really put that to good use.

  • Who needs to talk? People aren’t much into sermons on the mount these days anyway. Look at the Bush administration; fear tactics are where it’s at. What better way to inspire piety on Earth than by charging beachgoers while gnashing row after murderous row of your six-inch teeth?

  • Now after Eucharist, you get to say you drank the blood of a shark. How jawesome is that?!

  • We can finally start using the word "jawesome" in a religious context.

  • As a shark, Jesus can now smell blood in water from up to a mile away. That’s got to come in handy.

  • Nobody would respect a Dolphin Jesus, and a Manta Ray Jesus would just be ridiculous.

  • His ability to multiply fish, rather than just feeding hungry villagers, will now aid Him directly.

  • Who can doubt that a larger segment of the world population will now describe themselves as “God-fearing?”

  • Let’s see them nail THIS Jesus to a cross! Good luck, suckers!

The only negative here is that we are not yet worthy to call ourselves disciples of His holiness, the terrible shark God. We must make ourselves pure, that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven and sit at His left fin, while the unbelievers are tossed into Hell to be punched in the nose for all eternity. To make way for the coming sharkpocalypse and redemption of the faithful, we must rewrite our bibles to observe the holiness of Jesus’ vessel. With a few simple tweaks, favorite biblical passages can be rewritten to exalt this most glorious incarnation of Christ. For, as John 3:16 says, “God so loved the Jaws movies that he boned a shark, that whoever believes in the God/shark hybrid that spewed from that shark’s vagina shall not get blown up after eating an oxygen tank, but have eternal life. And chum.”

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