Crush. Dave. Foley.

Gentle fanbase, you have no idea how much it pains me to say this, but the time has come for all of us to muster our collective strength and DESTROY DAVE FOLEY. He's my favorite Kid in the Hall, and probably one of my favorite comedians of all time, but nonetheless I want nothing more than to feel the crunch of his trachea beneath my boot as he cries out for a mercy that will never come, the rictus of his death face reflected on the glassy eyes of his murdered children (does he have kids?).

Which is to say, our sketch about naming porno movies has been selected as an entrant in the atom.com comedy showdown, giving us a shot at getting it aired on Comedy Central!

The downside is, we're up against a sketch featuring Foley, which in any other context would be an instant death sentence. But I believe in us. If you do too, get an account on atom.com and VOTE YOUR ASSES OFF. Then get your friends to vote THEIR assess off. If all goes as planned, none of us will have asses come this time next week.

Your vote can help make our dreams come true. Get to it, dream makers.

Defending the Habit

My newest Cracked article is up today, and it's all about video games and art. If you're looking to learn about some rad modern artists or just tell me what a fuckwit I am for neglecting (insert favorite game here), check it out and give it a Digg!

Mike Liveblogs The Oscars!

I'm doing that thing the headline said RIGHT NOW! HERE! That same link should take you to a transcript in case you're not reading this blog as I post it. Ciao!

Our Show On PBS!

I bet you didn't know we hosted a three-minute kids' show from Abe's living room in the early nineties on PBS, did you? Well, here's the only surviving clip, a very special episode featuring the Daily Noodler and premonitions of FOX programming that was still decades to come. Enjoy!

Mike on Scenic Anemia

Scenic Anemia, an awesome-rad humor site, has a vintage Swaim article as their front page today! Check it out, give them some comments, and dig through the archives. There's a lot of quality time-wasting material to be found.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 9!

That incorrigible robohost is back, and this time he's brought a bunch of Mario-related excess with him. Revel in all things plumber and show that bellend Bowser where it's at.

Muskets VD Ecard

What better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than by sending your loved one fifteen seconds of hate skimmed right off the top of our new sketch?

Voila!

Ecard away, people, and pave the way for raunchy, animalistic make up sex.

Our Doritos Ad

Way back a few weeks ago, we put together an entry for the Doritos Crash the Superbowl competition, where one fan-made, fresh, creative, invigorating commercial would actually be aired at the Superbowl and net the creators a cool million dollars. Needless to say, we did not win (I probably would have mentioned that in an earlier post).

We originally wanted to do something about a horse ranch populated by fonzies, beat poets and goth kids (The "Cool Ranch"? Get it?), but when we couldn't get our shit together fast enough, we went out to the park and shot this instead. It's just kind of okay, but in the interest of this website being a repository for everything we ever do, no matter how insignificant, here it is:

Swim, Swaim

Of all of the requests we get from fans, the most common by far is to never allow a shirtless picture of Michael Swaim to appear anywhere on the web. Well, guess what fuckers? You lose.

You're only a click away from my (hey, it's Michael by the way) much-anticipated appearance in FunnynotSlutty.com's first ever swimsuit edition! I'm near the bottom, right above the picture of Gladstone with a cross woven into his chest hair. Good luck purging THAT image from the old memory banks.

And yes, you may use my image as your desktop background. Thanks for asking.

wwwtf, by Czino

Just when I think there's no more bizarre ways left for the Muskets! brand to infiltrate society, someone emails me a link to their new industrial techno track, featuring a healthy number of vocal samples from The Time Traveler.

The song's called wwwtf, by authentic German guy Czino. Our work's never been darker or more danceable. Give it a listen on his page or by right-clicking and saving the link below.

This one right here.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 8!

Nothing sends you rocketing to the top of your profession like insulting the people who are already there! I give you the Top 5 Youtube Channels and my (frankly rude) commentary concerning each.