The Future Is Now

If you're like me, 2008 didn't turn out quite like you'd hoped. Serums refused to work, genetic splicings didn't take, attack gorillas rebelled. But you're not alone; 2008 didn't turn out like a lot of people predicted. Namely the people on this handy list. Enjoy!

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 5!

My fitfully updated web series continues with a treatise on child abuse that'll leave you depressed in the funniest way imaginable!

Note: If you're only hearing the audio over a black screen, try refreshing the page. I have no idea why that's happening, but so far refreshing is the only thing that seems to fix it. Sorry.

Like Our Links Page, But Wordier

Look, I know how it is. You love the site, you love the sketches, but occasionally, you need more. After watching The Pimp for the ninth time that week, you yearn for something new. Something different. Well, we love you, TAM! audience, and when you love something you set it free. So go, freely explore your laughter with the other great sketch troupes out there. Just...leave me a Digg on your way out, won't you? For old time's sake? Thanks, kid.

*playful slap on the ass to hide the tears*

New Shirts For Sale!

Just put four new designs up in the Muskets! Shoppe! You can rush to purchase them here, or, if you're slightly more discerning, scroll downwise to view large versions of the designs. They're based on this sketch, this one, this one, and this other one, respectively.

S.W.A.I.M., Episode 4!

Finally got that runtime down to my target of five minutes. Unfortunately, the mystical process by which that was done had the unfortunate side effect of numbering the entries incorrectly. So enjoy this humorous list of 5 (or 4) items!

Mission: Wikipedia

There's a certain point in a sketch troupe's life when things start to change. No longer is it stumbling through its awkward adolescence, making forced fart jokes and haltingly inviting the other troupes to the Sadie Hawkins dance. It has matured, and now makes classy, artful fart jokes for all of its high society pals.

My friends, we approach such a milestone. In fact, according to 2007 Michael and Abe, the reaching of 3,000 subscribers to our Youtube channel officially makes us "big beans." But still, something is missing. For there are certain important steps that must take place before our comedic testes can truly be considered to have descended.

And the step before us today is this:

We need a Wikipedia entry.

We had one in the past. Oh, it was glorious, filled with unreliable citations and glittering typos as far as the mouse could scroll (which was about a page and a half, mostly white space). But we were young and foolish; our star rose too quickly, and was burned by the sun, creating some kind of double star that then got taken off of Wikipedia.

The reason for our downfall? Not enough citations. Apparently, if no one mentions you, you don't exist.

Well, we've been kicking out the jams for over a year now, and people are talking:

We've been written up at Tilzy TV, The San Diego Union-Tribune, and the Cal Poly Mustang.

We've been interviewed on Veoh and featured on G4.

We placed in the Youtube Sketchies 2 Competition, in the Filmclick Online Film Festival, and are recognized as an official sketch troupe by College Humor and Youtube.

We've been Dugg, blogged, McSweeny'd and Yankee Pot Roasted.

The point is, if awesome troupes like Tremendosaur and Barats and Bereta (both of whom we love oodles) warrant not only a Wikipedia entry, but official inclusion on Wikipedia's list of sketch comedy troops, do not we merit the same deference?

As writing a Wikipedia article about myself is JUST out of my vanity range, I've decided to turn to our beloved fans for help (apparently begging for others to write a Wikipedia article about me is well within said vanity range).

So who will step up to the challenge? What individual (or group of collaborative individuals, as per Wikipedia's basic function) will pluck our comedic flower and usher us into adulthood?

I've provided all the citation information you need to make it stick, and I'm available to answer any questions you might have about the troupe or Abe's penis size (I'll just save us both some time right now and say "nub.") Who's got the gumption? Who's got the chutzpah? Who's got a few hours to kill?

We await the lusty touch of your typing hands.

The 10 Best Comebacks Ever

If you like my latest Cracked article, I suggest (Digging it, then) looking up some Hitchcock quotes on your own time. Man was a prick, in the best possible way.