April 26, 2007

Raiding the Archives, Part One of a (Hopefully) One-Part Series

Shit is crazy, yo. That's basically all I'm going to say about my personal life, so as not to disillusion you when you realize that even at my lowest, with woes stacked high upon my bent back, I am by far better off than you will ever be. But the fact remains, I'm not quite up to the challenge of posting regularly for a few weeks, so here come some old MQ articles that still make me laugh. If you're totally over Onion-style comedy/journalism, might want to click here right about now. Otherwise, enjoy!

Jews Celebrate Year 5766 With Jetpack Moon Parade

Many UCSD students, as well as others in the La Jolla community, have noted the recent and prolonged absence of large numbers of practitioners of the Jewish Faith. According to recent NASA reports, this mysterious disappearance occurred the world over, and may not have been, as many assumed, “a really good fire sale somewhere.”

Shots taken by the Hubble telescope have revealed that Jews, in celebration of Yom Kippur, which loosely translates to “Future Day,” have engaged in a ritual as old as time itself: the annual Jewish Jetpack Moon Parade.

Explained Rabbi Herschel Rabbinowicz, “The Jewish calendar differs from the Gregorian calendar. By our reckoning, we have just entered the far-off year of 5766.”

Rabbinowicz explained that, in honor of the new year, Jews across the globe flew to the moon via their personal jetpacks in order to meet, celebrate and engage in a futuristic ritual known only as “gnoshing.”

NASA reports have been sketchy, hinting not only at structures raised on the surface of the Moon itself, but also even more astounding details. Said NASA official Hank Bradshaw in a recent press release, “using our telescopic capabilities, we have been able to get rare glimpses of this festival in action.”

Bradshaw went on to describe a device he has termed the “laser dradle,” as well as “meals so kosher, they were previously thought to be only the domain of science fiction.”

Rabbinowicz, and many other representatives of the Jewish community, have assured us that we have little to fear from them. “Though our fleet of Yamulke Saucers could easily destroy you,” Rabbinowicz has said, “we Jews are a very peaceful people.”

He then added, “unless you fuck with us, then it’s ‘Eye For an Eye.’ We’ll have our elite Jewish Space Commandos firing laser cannons at you in three nanocycles. I’m looking at you, Germany.”

Perhaps in response to such threatening remarks, the White House has been working closely with NASA to discover some way of defending against the Jews should they attack.

Though little is known about the top-secret program at this point, NASA has made public that the Jews’ biggest weakness seems to involve an inability to say the name of God. NASA engineers are currently working on turning this concept into some sort of a gun.

Bush, Avian Flu Locked in Battle for 3% Approval Rating


President Bush is pulling out all the stops in his new campaign targeted at raising his approval rating to three percent, which would leave him in a dead heat with his bitter rival, the avian flu. While Bush’s approval rating has been steadily declining since his reelection, the fatal contagion known the world over as “bird flu” has enjoyed a slight increase in popularity.

“It’s really got some new ideas,” said one flu-supporter at a rally in Chicago last week. “Bush is old and stale, the bird flu is an outsider, not beholden to special interests.” Indeed, the avian flu has enjoyed quite a reputation of bipartisanship, willingly infecting members of any political party with its deadly viral load.

The flu hovered at a two percent approval rating until late last month, when it was revealed that Osama Bin Laden had contracted the disease. “No wonder,” said an anonymous hick we interviewed on a whim, “that there turban’s probably got a whole nest in it.”

Though Bin Laden survived the illness, the flu was seen by many as a hero. “It did more than Bush ever has,” remarked on ardent bird flu enthusiast.

Bush’s campaign targeting the avian flu has entailed a series of negative ad campaigns, speeches, and rallies all across the US. One television ad aired recently depicted the bird flu infecting innocent baby chicks, while harmlessly passing over a pack of bloodthirsty wolves.

“Though this depiction is technically accurate,” explained Marty Columbus, the avian flu’s publicist, “it is purely a matter of genetic incompatibility, not one of preference for wolves.”

Columbus continued, “Bird flu. Bird.”

Nevertheless, President Bush has said that he hopes to continue his campaign well into the spring, and to reach an eight percent approval rating in mid-April. “Shoot for the stars,” Bush said at a press conference, “that you may land among the high single digits.”

Bush has also attempted to subtly align himself with some of the flu’s policies, in a move that he hopes will reveal him to be “able to compromise on important issues.” For example, Bush’s new slogan, “Spreading the Bushdemic!” is hoped to draw flu-lovers to his camp.

“Other slogans were tried,” remarked Bush’s campaign manager Helen Cox, “but somehow ‘Bush Fever: Catch It!’ just didn’t play with test groups.”

Cox says the Bush administration has no doubts that they will “trounce the bird flu” in the battle for popularity. “Now, we’ve just got to beat out Skin Cancer, that film that develops on pudding if you leave it out, and weevils.”

She added, “curse those handsome weevils.”

Editorial: Get a Camera, Quick

By: Brad Hawkins, Olympic Hopeful

Seriously, you’re gonna want a picture of this. What is it? Well, go grab that old jumbo box of Lincoln Logs from the back of the closet. Okay, now open the top and turn the box over, so all the contents spill onto the floor in a big pile. See that? You’ve made a 1/7th-scale replica of the dump I just took.

No, I didn’t flush, and I’ll tell you why. This shit is going to make me famous. Besides, even if I did flush, the resulting strain on the toilet would likely literalize the phrase “shit storm.” We’re talking mountains here, people. The only way it could’ve been improved is if it had been all in one, connected piece.

Oh well. Something to shoot for.

Wait, is crapping an Olympic event? Seriously, go check, because if it is, we gotta save this puppy. I mean, what kind of American would I be if I didn’t offer my talents in representing our nation?

I can see it now. Me, up there on the golden throne, getting my medal. Or medals. Depends on how many events there are. Size, of course, but maybe there’s an entry for creativity, or consistency, or some sort of figure shitting event. I can smell the endorsement deals now.

Here’s some advice to all you young kids out there: never give up on your dreams, and eat plenty of fiber, and you never know what might happen. One day you too could find yourself atop a rising hill of sweet, brown glory. Dream big kids. Dream big.

Hold on a minute. I think my ass is still bleeding. Oh yeah, it’s definitely going. Okay, hold that thought, I’ll be right back. And when you grab the camera, make sure to get the wide-angle lens!

No comments:

Post a Comment

2009 Those Aren't Muskets!