November 21, 2007

Worst Case Scenario: T-Rex Edition

The overwhelming response to my recent post on the CRACKED blog regarding the Nigersaurus, "cow of the Mesozoic," made it painfully clear to me how ill-equipped the average human is to survive a dinosaur attack. There was talk of shooting Japanese gowns with BB-guns, a children's television show starring a lizard, and other nonsense that would be equally useless should a T-Rex drop in and fuck up your shit.

And because I care so much about my readership, I've scoured the net for the answer to the question mankind has been asking itself since the first caveman rubbed two stones together and was instantly devoured by a wandering Tyrannosaur: How the hell do you kill one?!

Below, three scenarios you may not find so unlikely…when they happen to YOU.

Feasible T-Rex Death Scenario 1

You’re minding your own business, tagging a herd of African elephants for an ecological conservation program, when out of nowhere a prize Tyrannosaurus Rex bursts from the herd and makes straight for you. All you have on you is a pocket knife, a mylar bag of tagging equipment, and a Barret M82A3 loaded up with depleted uranium or tungsten-cored rounds.

Your best bet: Cut a small strip of mylar from the bag with the knife, and use it as a makeshift blindfold on the Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex’s follow their prey by sensing movement, and if they are unable to see you, they will wander off, bored.

More Than Plausible T-Rex Death Scenario 2

You and the family are out enjoying a day at the beach, when out of nowhere a Great White Shark leaps from the waves towards your precocious son Max who has been playing at the shoreline. Just before it swallows the tyke whole, an aquatic T-Rex snaps it out of the air like so much appetizer, then aims for the main course: you.

Your best bet: A Tyrannosaurus skull is as think as a phalanx infantryman’s shield, so you’re not going to be able to tackle this thing head on. As it charges, roll to the side, simultaneously pulling your umbrella out of the sand. Hurl it, javelin-like, at the spot just behind the right shoulder. This will down the Rex instantly.

Almost a Certainty T-Rex Death Scenario 3

The drug deal has gone south. Guillermo opens fire with his AK and bullets are flying everywhere. Oh, did I forget to mention? Guillermo is a fucking T-REX.

Your best bet: One word. Helicopter.

If you fear other types of T-Rex encounter, feel free to post a brief description below. Myself or a member of the community will be happy to let you know how to best protect yourself against nature's walking abattoir.


  1. Ok, say I'm at a park. On a picnic, with my girlfriend. I've got a picnic basket, picnic blanket and some sandwhiches Lets make them vegemite sandwhiches, cause I'm australian and I hate myself. Suddenly, a T-rex bursts up out of the ground from beneath the picnic blanket.

    Now what the fuck do I do then? Cause if I don't get an answer, I'm going to have to cancel a picnic. Which I don't actually have much problem with doing.

  2. Simple enough. Open the sandwiches, grab your girlfriend and roll around on top of them, covering your bodies in Vegemite. The Rex will immediately lose all interest in eating you.

    And as a bonus, there's no better segue into hot, public, park-sex than being saved from screaming death and smeared in vegetable paste.

  3. Really? Perhaps I should organise a T rex to burst out of the ground.

  4. My T-Rex keeps leaving his wet clothes in the washing machine so I have to move his stuff to the drier. I've tried talking with him about it, but he just keeps bringing up the fact that he pays more than half the rent (he has master bedroom). Any ideas?

  5. I'm on an island in the South Pacific. I have a camera, reels of film, and some chloroform bottles and rags. There's a giant Gorilla behind me, and a T-Rex in front of me, what do I do?

  6. Neil: One day when your T-Rex roommate is out, fill the washing machine with goat's blood. The next time he goes to use it, he'll be like "what the fuck?!" and you can be like "See? See how it feels?"

    Sam: Shut the hell up, put on your short shorts and meet me in the dressing room. Bring the unicycle.


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