June 23, 2006

How to Survive a Bear Attack, Part II

Surviving a Bear Encounter

The primary goal of any camper or hiker should be to avoid bear encounters altogether. Captivating in their natural beauty, Bears can often seem to be excellent subjects for photography. However their musk may lure one in, the surest way to avoid a Bear attack is to stay away from them altogether. Let them live their noble, solitary lives in peace: catching trout with their bare paws, fixing up old motorcycles, and growing magnificent handlebar mustaches.

If you do find yourself in a confrontation with an angry or amorous Bear, there are several survival techniques you can employ:

Play Dead

Tried and true, this technique involves rolling into a fetal position and remaining motionless on the ground. You therefore pose no threat to the bear, and your similarity to a human fetus will hopefully persuade the Bear that you are too young for him. Most Bears prefer the company of other Bears, or else “Twinks,” college-aged men so named because of the sweet, sweet, candy-like taste of their ejaculate, or “cream filling.” However, this technique may backfire, and the particularly persistent Bear has been known to have his mountainous way with the occasional unlucky hiker.

Rear Up

Trying to intimidate the Bear is not as insanely stupid as it may at first sound. Bears are simple creatures, and will avoid a fight if they perceive you to be their physical equal. Try to look like another Bear, by rearing up and opening your jacket in order to appear larger, as well as revealing a tangle of salt and pepper chest hair if possible. Bells and whistles can also frighten a Bear, although if you take bells with you on a hike, you’re basically gay already.


Bears love mace. Love it. Do not spray a Bear with mace unless you want him following you home and building a home in your spare room. Scientists have yet to understand the reasons why, but nothing gets a Bear hot like a big blast of Pepper Spray to the face.

Be a Woman

This is by far the most effective method of surviving an encounter with a Bear. Most Bears became Bears due to a crippling inability to deal with women on any sort of personal level, and as such they will generally react to them with disdain, indifference, or frightened confusion. Short of getting a surgical sex change, smearing yourself in menstrual blood is also very effective.

Carry a Gun

Guns are our birthright as Americans, and one of your best defenses against Bears, Deer, Geese, and Illegal Immigrants. A nice Ruger 44 Carbine or Remington 7400 Hunting Rifle will lend you the security in your masculinity you need to withstand the Siren’s call of the homosexual lifestyle. Surrogate penis anyone? And don’t worry about the danger: recent bumper sticker findings have proven that guns don’t, in fact, kill people.

Treatment Options for Common Injuries

Those who fall prey to Bears generally suffer from a wide range of ailments. Proper treatment is imperative if those victimized are to overcome their injuries and resume a normal life.

Mustache Burns

This is an umbrella term, describing burns of various sorts, received when an over-zealous and usually hirsute Bear nuzzles a human with too much fervor. Aloe application is recommended, as well as daily apple butter baths.

Bruised Chin

Chins have been known to be bruised or even broken by the repeated bludgeoning of a Bear’s many-testicled and swollen scrotum. One victim of Bear abuse described the Bear’s genitals as “a hollow melon filled with buckshot.” There are no known treatments, but those close to the victim should offer emotional support and stifle laughter whenever possible.

Nipple Clamp Lacerations

Painful lacerations may occur when a Bear introduces a victim to the Sado-Masochistic world of light bondage. Chapped, chafed, and swollen nipples resulting from such encounters should be thoroughly iced and suckled, preferably by a bikini-clad college co-ed.

Leather Allergies

Particularly dangerous, leather allergies strike only one percent of those attacked by Bears. A general rash or swelling on the affected areas should be combated with scalding baths, leeches, and Exorcism.

Claw Marks

Often confused with Leather Allergies, these thinner, pinker areas of raised skin on the back, chest, or inner thigh represent the attempts of a Bear to literally “open you up and climb inside of you.” Whether this sentiment is romantic, or simply an attempt to reach the nutrient-rich liver, claw marks can be treated best with chicken soup and plenty of bed rest.

Anal Lesions

A more serious injury, anal lesions appear to be related to Bear interactions in some way. Their true nature, however, is a mystery, as those victims who have been found with the affliction invariably decline to comment on how they received it.


The most deadly of all Bear-related injuries, Homosexuality, if not contained, has been known to spread to all organs of the body. Symptoms of late-stage Homosexuality include political activism, an affinity for rainbows, the wearing of short shorts, compulsive child adoption, the undermining of the sanctity of Heterosexual marriage, and a dick that tastes like shit. There is no known cure, though several Christian groups have pioneered some promising techniques.

Hopefully, this informational guide will help you avoid injury due to a Bear confrontation. Remember: They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.

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