Abe and Michael Have Been Reprimanded

Apologies for the nonsensical and vaguely offensive youtube posts last night. Abe and Michael were somewhat out of sorts, and I, the disembodied voice of Those Aren't Muskets!, have made sure they understand full well not to waste the public's time on such erroneous tripe. A few minutes in "the box" worked like a charm.

As compensation for the offense, I can only promise you a brand new TAM! sketch (and our longest yet, at that), to be uploaded within a day. Watch the skies!

These Are the Sexiest LADEES!!!1!

Is This Only This Funny to Us?

Mom, if You’re Reading This, the Washing Machine Finished

This is what I look like now.
Thanks for the neglect.
Hey Mom! Remember when you came by my house before? I think it was on a Wednesday. Whenever it was, Abe and I were drinking Jager and playing Mario Strikers on the Wii (that’s the soccer one). I know that doesn’t narrow it down much, but anyway, you were there, and you made dinner and put some of my clothes in the wash. But it’s been about a week, and I think the washer’s done.

It keeps buzzing, like, every ten minutes or so. Could you come by maybe and move whatever you put in there to the drier? I’d do it myself, but I don’t want to mess anything up. You know how I am with gadgets. I already tried throwing tennis balls at it, yelling at it, and putting in ear plugs. That helped with the noise, but I checked my closet later and there still weren’t any clean clothes there.

Abe tried to hack the washer with his laptop, but I guess our washer doesn’t have T3 or something, because he kept saying his appletalk wasn’t networking right. So I’d really appreciate it if you could come and get the clothes from the one machine to the other.

And, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d also really appreciate it if you didn’t put me in this kind of predicament next time you visit. Remember what you always used to tell us: if you’re going to start something, make sure you something something. I usually zoned out at that point, but you get what I'm saying.

Also, could you bring some more of that tuna salad? We already ate through all of what you brought last time. It’s pretty good, I guess. Maybe use fresher tuna this time? You can get Ahi-grade for a pretty good price at the Japanese market on Convoy.

If Convoy’s too far, you can borrow my car when you get here; I can store your bike in our garage. Oh, also, thanks for the car! Although sometimes the side mirrors get dirty if I park outside. Maybe it’s defective?

Hope you read the blog soon! My last pair of underwear is getting pretty unbearable. I’d call, but my cell phone died and it won’t charge anymore, even though I put it in the drawer next to the charger for like a week.

Love,

Your son.

Infinite Recursion Blogging

This probably qualifies as an e/n post, but as a starstruck geek, I don't really care. However, I did embed a video both humorous and amorous (above), so as to give those with no personal interest in me something shiny to look at.

More to the point...so I wrote that article about webcomics for CRACKED yeah? Well, as I secretly hoped, one of the artists profiled mentioned the article in his text today! If you don't see it, find Sept. 13th. Yes, folks, that's right: I had indirect, machine-based contact with an internet celebrity!

I actually enjoy Overcompensating very much (hence it making the list in the first place), so I thought that was fairly cool.

It just goes to show you: all that hard work will eventually pay off. Also, that internet "Best of" lists are inherently full of shit, since they are generally written by one individual, rearranged by another (the site's editor) and hastily published so as to meet internal deadlines.

But yes, Jeffrey Rowland blogged about my blog, and now I'm blogging about that. The circle is complete.

ADDENDUM: Ryan North over at Dinosaur Comics also mentioned my article. TWO FOR TWO BABY!

SECOND ADDENDUM: Also Achewood! And, even though this mention is the smallest and most indirect of all, it represents one of the highlights of my life thus far. How sad.

Phone Etiquette, Volume 1

A conversation I had with an CalArts Film School Application counselor. To better represent the conversation and hide the identity of the counselor, I have replaced her name with "Shameless."

Me: Hi, I'm a prospective graduate applicant, I had a few questions about your letter of recommendation procedures?

Shameless: Yes. We're not taking them now, but we will soon.

Me: oh. (silence) I wanted to know more, really.

Shameless: Oh well, I have some information about that (sounds of looking through paper).

Me: Good, I was looking to get my hands on that.

Shameless (laughing): I'm sorry, what was that?

Me: Um, When it says the letters ought to be "sealed," how sealed are we talking here?

Shameless: Oh, like an envelope.

Me: Ah. Is that all?

Shameless: I don't know, you said you had a few questions?

Me: Oh no, I was talking about the envelopes.

Shameless: What?

Me: Nothing, nothing. We're all done here!

8 Excellent Webcomics...

...is what I would have titled my newest CRACKED article if I feared getting called a shitfart by everyone on the internet who reads ctrl+alt+del. Nevertheless, because I'm told it gets more hits and because I love getting yelled at by people who don't know me, I hereby present The 8 Funniest Webcomics of All Time Throughout the Universe and all Known and Unknown Dimensoins.

Enjoy!

8 Shared Future Visions and Why They'll Never Be

CRACKED.com's got another article by yours truly up on their front page right now, and even though they cut it from an epic 4,000 words to a more reasonable 2,000, it's still jam-packed with pure Swaim magic. Diggs all around!

You can scope it here, and comment on it below. I hope it makes your life momentarily more bearable.

Search History of a Thirteen-Year-Old Who Just Discovered the Internet

HINT: Just like a real drop menu, it reads from bottom to top. WHEEEEEEE!

Leader of the Third Streich!

Hello fan base. Abe speaking. My only goal in blogging is to be declared worthy in your eyes. As you will see, I will attempt anything to accomplish this.

As per our arrangement, here is my first and only accomplishment thus far:

After an onslaught of failed Wii games, Nintendo has finally got it right with their new soccer conquest: Mario Strikers. A game in which Peach, Bowser, Luigi, and the whole gang battle royale to determine the victor of a pseudo-World Cup. As many of you are familiar, the Wii system allows you to play an online multiplayer bout with a custom built "Mii" who's name and appearance may be altered to your many disgusting specifications.

My friend Steve and I built Hitler, the Soccer Fuhrer. For the last three weeks, we've been attempting one thing and one thing only: to become if only for a brief moment, the World-wide "Striker of the Day." As you can see, attaining this highly prestigious honor bestows your likeness upon every Wii in the area. In our collective mind, to be displayed on all players Wiis is the ultimate in soccer accomplishment. Last Friday at 2:30 AM, Steve and I honed our skills so finely, we completed our task.

All bow down to the glory that is Hitler, Wii Soccer extraordinaire.