Customink Refused to Print my T-Shirt Designs

Customink.com, proud makers of every one-of-a-kind vintage ironic body statement you puzzle over after some douchebag walks by, have gone too far this time! They refused to print every one of my designs, which I labored over night and day and would proudly wear around the house, or even to a sporting event or sister's wedding. I'm sure you'll agree that they are not only hilarious and artful, but eminently thought-provoking as well.

SPECIAL NOTE: I just noticed that fellow CRACKED blogger Matt Wilson has a T-shirt piece up today. Consider it bonus T-shirt Thursday! For the record, I was photoshopping these long before he posted his hilarious entry and, in defense of my shirts, they are easily more offensive, and to a broader number of social classes. Also, they are all soaked in lavender water, which I think is a lovely touch.

Hallelujah, Shark Jesus is Risen!

Yes, brothers and sisters, though we have waited long, at last our prayers are answered. In a humble shark tank in Nebraska, much like the manger where He was first born—if instead of a manger it had been a glass enclosure filled with water and sharks—our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has come to us by way of virgin birth. Also, in shark form. May His cartilaginous skeleton be praised!

Some may question the wisdom of our Lord for descending from Heaven only to don the rubbery flesh of a Hammerhead Shark, a creature that lacks the ability to speak, apply for Federal Housing subsidies, or operate non-salloon-style doors. But they should not, for they will be the first to be eaten come the End Times. Clearly, this body suits His purposes well, and one can only begin to list the reasons that a shark body is the most apt vessel for the Holy Spirit:

• Sharks can never stop moving, or they die. This will encourage the Lord never to rest, but to remain constantly on the lookout for sinners. Delicious, delicious sinners.
  
  
• The Hammerhead has eyes on either side of its head. All the better to view His people!
  
  
• You know what’s more impressive than a man in sandals walking on water? A SHARK walking on water.
  
  
• As a shark, Jesus is already guaranteed at least a week of national airtime once a year by the Discovery Channel.
  
  
• A shark’s liver can constitute up to a quarter of its body mass. As someone whose blood is wine, Jesus can really put that to good use.
  
  
• Who needs to talk? People aren’t much into sermons on the mount these days anyway. Look at the Bush administration; fear tactics are where it’s at. What better way to inspire piety on Earth than by charging beachgoers while gnashing row after murderous row of your six-inch teeth?
  
  
• Now after Eucharist, you get to say you drank the blood of a shark. How jawesome is that?!
  
  
• We can finally start using the word "jawesome" in a religious context.
  
  
• As a shark, Jesus can now smell blood in water from up to a mile away. That’s got to come in handy.
  
  
• Nobody would respect a Dolphin Jesus, and a Manta Ray Jesus would just be ridiculous.
  
  
• His ability to multiply fish, rather than just feeding hungry villagers, will now aid Him directly.
  
  
• Who can doubt that a larger segment of the world population will now describe themselves as “God-fearing?”
  
  
• Let’s see them nail THIS Jesus to a cross! Good luck, suckers!
  

The only negative here is that we are not yet worthy to call ourselves disciples of His holiness, the terrible shark God. We must make ourselves pure, that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven and sit at His left fin, while the unbelievers are tossed into Hell to be punched in the nose for all eternity. To make way for the coming sharkpocalypse and redemption of the faithful, we must rewrite our bibles to observe the holiness of Jesus’ vessel. With a few simple tweaks, favorite biblical passages can be rewritten to exalt this most glorious incarnation of Christ. For, as John 3:16 says, “God so loved the Jaws movies that he boned a shark, that whoever believes in the God/shark hybrid that spewed from that shark’s vagina shall not get blown up after eating an oxygen tank, but have eternal life. And chum.”

15 Excuses The Guy Who Put His Baby in a Microwave Could Have Used That Are Better Than “I Was Under Stress”

I was trying to hit the “change diaper” button and I hit the “broil” button by mistake.

If my wife didn’t want me to microwave the baby, she shouldn’t have named the damn thing Jiffy Pop.

You know, I can think of one other person that was bombarded by waves of radiation and turned out pretty all right. And you know what that person’s name is? The Incredible Hulk.

Our lawn mower is broken.

What ever happened to discipline? Call me old fashioned, but I still say there’s nothing healthier for a crying child than a little time in the hotbox.

FOR SCIENCE!

Sure you don’t get the nice, even roasting of a conventional oven, but who has time these days? Especially with little ones at home!

I don’t get it. I put chimichangas in there all the time, and they come out fine.

She just loves that rotating turntable.

I must have confused something I read in a Dr. Spock book with something I read in an Emeril Agassi book.

Admittedly, the matter transporter still has some kinks to work out.

All our other kids are too big.

I thought it would make the poop smell go away, but if anything it just made it worse.

It was way cheaper than one of those baby tanning places.

Ultimately, it was the Deputy Attorney General’s call.

Movie Villains, Prepare to be Identified

My article on How to Tell if You're a Villain in a Hollywood Action Movie is up on the CRACKED front page for the time being. It drifted down under the fold so I decided to post now, show up on the blog feed, and thereby lengthen my stay for just a wee bit longer. Of course, as soon as Peter Lynn posts his daily bloggings about what he shouldn't have said at work today, which snack foods he ate, how his last fencing match went and a transcript of a phone conversation he had in which he felt himself particularly witty, I'll get bumped off again, so you might as well hurry up and give it a read. Smiles!

Sneak Preview: 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes

A spinoff of epic proportions, an experiment in thrillology, or simply the greatest hour of TV you have ever experienced? Producers of the new show 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes promise it will be all this and more.

The first nine-hour portion of the miniseries premiere is set to be simulcast in seven languages as well as on the web in the coming months, and TV viewers the world over are abuzz with anticipation.

Combining gritty, counter-terrorist action, chilling supernatural mysteries, sweeping space opera and adorable Asians with bizarre powers, 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes may just be the last thing you ever need to watch.

Shot entirely in real time, the action of the series follows an ensemble cast of government-trained spacefaring mutant heroes who, after a prolonged battle with robot terrorist forces are forced to crash land on a mysterious island planet, where they encounter slow, prolonged mystery, soap opera-like dialogue, and the smoldering intensity of no less than three Jack Bauers.

Where did this trio of evil Bauers come from? Are they clones? Cylons? Will the one good Bauer, telekinetic as he now is, be smolderingly gritty enough to stand in their way? Only a mysterious race called “the others” hold the answer, and only Commander Amada and her newfound indestructibility can lead the ragtag team of surviving heroes to the final showdown.

In the premiere season, the survivors will struggle to understand and control their new powers in a desperate attempt to escape the island and warn the citizens of Los Angeles that a Cylon chemical bomb, planted during the opening credits, is going to detonate in just under 24 hours. To make matters worse, one member of the team is a double agent! Producers also promise split-screen, polar bears, the ability of the audience to vote off one character each episode, a brief Spider-Man cameo early in the second season, and the voice talent of Whoopi Goldberg as “Blackie, The Floating Orb.”

Principal Characters

The series will follow a number of developing story lines, but the action centers primarily around the crew of the crashed Battlestar Galactica and their quest to quell Cylon terrorist activity throughout the galaxy.

Commander Claire Amada—Commander Amada, an aging, leathery latino cheerleader, leads the crew of the Galactica on their missions. Often affectionately called “the old man,” Amada divides her attentions between hunting down the secrets of the island and perfecting her full extension pike leap.
Powers: Indestructibility, aplomb.

Dr. Jack “Jack” Bauer—A simple space doctor and counter-terrorism specialist, Dr. Bauer wanted nothing more than to hitch a ride home from his alcoholic father’s burial at sun, but soon became entangled in the lives of the Galactica crew and the fate of all Los Angeles when his rogue status brought the Cylon’s wrath down upon the ship.
Powers: Smoky voice causes instant orgasms.

President Laura Palmer—The bastard child of assassinated US President David Palmer and Galactic President Laura Roslin, President Palmer only appears in a single scene of the series premiere, in which her corpse is found in the small town of Twin Peaks, Minnesota. The action then continues on the island, leaving many to question when and even if her character will ever affect the course of the series.
Power: Incites mandatory flashbacks.

Hurley Number Six—A Cylon infiltrator, Hurley Number Six is a new breed of robot with the ability to perfectly mimic any human form. Why he chose the form of an enormous, flatulent asshat is one of the more puzzling mysteries of the series.
Powers: Comic relief, inertia.

Chloe O’Nakamura—A government-trained computer expert, Chloe works closely with Jack to help glean information about the others, the Cylons, and the terrorists, who may or may not be others and/or Cylons. Tragically, the fact that she speaks only Japanese renders her incapable of sharing any of the secrets she discovers with the rest of the crew.
Powers: Incredibly pinched face, is Japanese.

John Locke— an English philosopher of the 17th century, Locke is regarded as the first of the British Empiricists. In social contract theory, he developed an alternative to the Hobbesian state of nature and argued that government was only legitimate if it received the consent of the people and protected natural rights of life, liberty, and property.
Powers: Pamphleteering, time travel (one assumes).

Sayid Sylar Mendez—One of the crew’s shadier characters, Sayid’s Iraqi citizenship makes for much contention between he and Dr. Bauer. Add to that the fact that he kills other crew members to absorb their powers, and that he routinely paints large portraits of himself eating each victim’s brain, then hangs them throughout the Galactica, and it seems only a matter of time before the other heroes are forced to investigate where Sayid’s true allegiances lie.
Powers: Mediocre painter of future events, eats brains.

Clip From Series Premiere

The following is a rare treat: a page from the shooting script of the miniseries premiere event, entitled 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes, Chapter I: The Journey Home (8:00am-9:00am), Part 1 of 3. This scene features Commander Amada and Dr. Bauer uncovering Hurley Number Six’s terrible secret, with a little help from their computer expert Chloe.

---

INT. IGLOO-DAY

While Commander Amada reaches for the hatch inscribed “NOT the DHARMA Initiative,” Hurley’s face registers a flash of fear.

He reaches into his coat, grasping the detonator, and pushes the button.

Dr. Bauer, seeing Hurley’s hand, leaps for him, his lab coat fluttering in the ice-chilled air.

BAUER: Noooooo!

Bauer’s voice causes Hurley to orgasm violently, but the distraction comes too late. The entire igloo is destroyed by the explosion.

Fire curves around Amada’s leathery, indestructible cheerleader body, but Bauer is blown out of the igloo and into:

INT. SCHOOL BUS-CONTINUOUS

Bauer slams against the back window of the bus. Outside, scenery rips by as the bus continues its unchecked hurtle towards the volcano mouth. Ice shards from the destroyed igloo litter the aisles.

BAUER: Dammit Chloe! Have you hacked the system yet?!

Chloe O’Nakamura is sitting in the driver’s seat, laptop computer linked to the bus’ front console. She works furiously.

Meanwhile, Amada, still dizzy from the explosion, reels towards Hurley, who is surprisingly unharmed. Adama grabs him by the filthy shirtfront and pushes him against a seat.

AMADA: Curse you, Hurley! What have you done? That hatch led to the answers we seek!

HURLEY: Stopped you from interfering in our plans, old man.

This close, Adama finally notices the fact that Hurley’s eyes are actually webcam lenses. She gasps and falls back.

AMADA: A—a Cylon!

Hurley breaks Amada’s grasp and lifts her up with one arm.

Suddenly, Chloe’s laptop flashes green. She yells to Bauer at the back of the bus, her Hello Kitty backpack jostling as she makes the peace sign with one hand and covers her smiling mouth with the other.

CHLOE: Yatta!

Bauer gives her the thumbs up. Chloe hits the spacebar of her computer and the bus’ defense systems spring to life.

Hurley is reared back, ready to punch Amada’s leathery, yet girlish face. But just before he can deliver the blow…

LASERS.

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Wow. Exciting stuff. We hope you’ve enjoyed this sneak peak at 24 Lost Battlestar Heroes, and that you’ll tune in slavishly for every insignificant and plot-elongating episode no matter how insubstantial the story line gets or how much of your precious life you drain away stationary in front of a box of photons.

My Skin Exudes Poison

Good afternoon everyone. Yes, it’s true: my skin is covered in globules of poison. They sprout from the visible lumps on my flesh and infect any viable host they come into contact with. No, I’m afraid shouts of “KILL IT! KILL THE FREAK!” will not do you any good. Even burning my body would merely render the scourge airborne. All we can hope for is that the spread of the disease can be forestalled long enough for the government to devise and build some kind of poison-proof housing for the uninfected, I’m assuming in the desert. But, before the poison finally takes control of my thoughts and I find myself staggering towards you, let me take this opportunity to answer any questions you may have about my skin being covered in poison.

Why is your skin covered in poison?

Short story: nature is an angry bitch. Long story: me and a friend decided it would be really romantic and grand to pull off the side of the freeway and hike a trailless mountain by clawing our way up a sheer face through dozens of types of unidentified plants, many of which, it turns out, do nothing all day but manufacture poison. In fact, it is my recommendation to the President that we begin an investigation of these plants, because honestly, can we trust something that is virtually made of poison? Other than me, I mean.

Here is a graph, illustrating the careful balance between how awesome/romantic that experience was vs. the pain and suffering I have suffered as a result. As you can see, it was “worth it” for quite some time, but that may no longer be the case.



Where is your skin covered in poison?

Mostly the extremities, although I fear that in the night the deadly rash has begun a concentrated move towards the genitals. If it has, in fact, become sentient, I doubt there is much our nuclear arsenal will be able to do against the onslaught. I imagine irradiating the poison would just make it angry and, possibly, able to shoot lasers.

What is your skin covered in?

Poison. I feel that I’ve covered that.

Who is your skin covered in poison?

Okay, now you’re not even making sense. Either I’ve finally succumbed to the hallucinogenic effects of the poison or you’re an elementary school child asking rote questions for a newsletter. Please, stop wasting my time, or I’ll have to rub myself on you.

What are some common reactions to your condition?

• Screaming


• Running


• “I thought smallpox had been eliminated”


• “KILL IT! KILL THE FREAK!”


• “Look mommy, a rash-man!”


• “I forsake thee, my God, for what you hath wrought.”


• “I think we should see other people.”


• “You can eat outside. You’re frightening your mother.”


• Intense sexual attraction (only happened once; I think she thought I was Bruce Willis)

Is there treatment?

I think a more pertinent question would be “is there any hope for humanity?” And, frankly, while my skin is covered in poison, no, I don’t think so. But, if you must forestall your inevitable collapse into an itchy mound of quivering red flesh, you can apply liberal amounts of a miracle drug called Calamine Lotion. If I could impart only two words to you, these would be them. Slather it on. Bathe in it. Inject it into your bloodstream like the sweet antidote it is. No, it won’t actually cure the disease, but as a high-powered opiate it will momentarily make you forget that you are dying of poisoned skin. I can hardly believe the stuff isn’t prescription; it’s like pink chalky heroin. So, yeah, elementary school kid…go to town.

Anyway, I’d say that I hope this information helps all of you, but by being in the same room with me you’re all most likely now covered in poison. So, firstly, welcome hell, and secondly, I wish you a swift and merciful death. May Sumac have mercy on your souls.

S.M.I.C. II

It's back! The twice-yearly (for one year) showcase of my sketch writing that is the Sherman and Meinkeweicz Investitures Corporation! If you are anywhere within a five hundred mile radius of San Diego, commandeer a vehicle and come to UCSD campus at one of the following times:

Thursday, May 10th @ 8PM

Saturday, May 12th @ 11PM

Thusday, May 17th @ 8PM

Saturday, May 19th @ 8PM or 11PM

We're showing in GH 157 on UCSD campus in La Jolla, in Galbraith Hall, across from the La Jolla Playhouse. For a satellite image of that, click here. It's FREE!

X-Treme Article Up! On CRACKED!!

My article about the X-Treme marketing movement got picked up by CRACKED and is up on the main site. I'd say go read it, but since the link already appeared in an earlier sentence, I'm sure you impulsive bastards aren't even reading this. Hope you enjoyed it!